you're an active dreamer, always have been, &the other night, while dreaming, you were trying to find some figment; you spent your entire sleep searching, &just as you find this figment, you look at her [it was a her] &as you reach your hands out toward her, you say, "I'm suicidal," &your ears snap open to the alarm that awakens you.

for you

it's a soggy feeling

wet

each drop dripping down

like

you even know that this

that

or the other

might even put a smile on your face

but nah

so does that mean you're not-depressed

if you can see the light

but you simply do not want to go over there?

or is it that you cannot?

you just don't want to

you conclude

but why?

it almost seems

as if

refusing to be happy

is making you feel depressed

but is it an active refusal

or is it that you cannot?

you have the dreams

you have the goals

you have

The Pursuit

&so

feeling content

here

in this now

a now you're striving to escape

feels like you've given up

'cause you cannot be happy

satisfied

until you've

what

reached The Summit?

but that seems sad

plus

look at all The Summits

you've had

&so

are you

what's the word

actively punishing yourself

like you're some failure?

or is it that you cannot?

CUBE SQUARED* | where everything ends up just as it was

A Table of [potential] Future Contents

☺ she doesn't want to be unique or unusual or even special; she wants to fit in!

but she IS special, goddammit,

&she knows it,

so where's the fucking special-treatment?!

☺ don't worry. 

☺ The Sisyphean Task of Jobbing

☺ The Wage-Laborer's Guide to Empire

☺ Is the argument that the "dandy" is implicitly a reflection of the [white] dandy, and so, the Black Dandy is explicitly-not a "dandy," because "dandyism" is implicitly defined as a [white] dandy? If so, my issue is that, if the "dandy" is charged with whiteness, then why not simply create a new word instead of, essentially, appropriating—whiteness. 

☺ Winning! 

☺ We all know the ending. We're going to die.

☺  I'ma count my money.

☺ For a political bio, this website is a liability, no?

 

can you see him; can you see him?
about once a month
we get to job side-by-side

*[endnote]

[eggplant] &[garlic] pizza w/a [cauliflower] &[asparagus] salad | a 420 din-din

 

eggplant, cauliflower, &garlic
actually went into the oven first
&then the asparagus went in
&it was all cooled
before becoming pizza toppings or salad fixings

Get the oven going ... 400 F

Eggplant

raw dogged on the pan (learned that they should be poked, haha, the bigger one of the three popped ... still delicious)

Garlic

slice off the top of the bulb to reveal the little bulbs inside (see top-right corner of the top-right pic) 

set in a small piece of tin foil

drizzle evoo

wrap up tin foil  

Cauliflower

from frozen

throw into a mixing bowl

toss with evoo, s&p 

make sure the pan is large enough to comfortably fit all of the veg

line with a fresh sheet of parchment

&set all the veg in the pan

once your oven is hot
[ROAST] for 30 minutes

Prep asparagus

trim off tough ends

wash

keep in fridge until roasting time

when the timer goes off

toss cauliflower + flip eggplant

[ROAST] 5 more minutes

Remove [eggplant], [cauliflower], &[garlic] from pan

set aside to cool until cool enough to

set in fridge to chill

Lay a fresh sheet of parchment into the pan

pan the asparagus

drizzle evoo

sprinkle s&p

toss

[ROAST] 10 minutes

Prep lettuce + cucumber

if you have a salad spinner, fill the spinner with water

starting from the tips of the leafy greens

cut off the very tippy tips of the leaves if they need to be trimmed

cut from the tip of the leaves down toward the butt

in about one-&ahalf-to-two-inch (bite-sized) chonks

wash in the filled spinner or in a strainer

set in fridge

wash the cucumber (this cucumber was actually prepped the day before)

really give it a rub

starting from one tip

slice the thing at an angle

in quart-inch slices

to create ovals

make a small stack of ovals

slice the ovals into three long sheaths

set in fridge

when the timer goes off

remove [asparagus] from the oven

set [asparagus] in the bowl with the chilling [cauliflower]
 

after

(uh, yea, the bodybuddy/lifemate had been making a pizza dough this whole time)

the pizza dough is proofed and ready to be made into pizza ...

Make pizza

use [eggplant] &[garlic] as toppings

Make salad

dump lettuce into the bottom of a large bowl (we made one enormo-salad to share)

drizzle evoo

lightly drizzle whichever salad dressing you're using (we used a generic cesar) 

cause the roasted veggies are so tasty without any fluff

fresh-crack pepper (lots)

drop the cucumber over the lettuce

chop up [asparagus] into bite-sized cylinders 

slide the [asparagus] into a heap on the cucumber

spoon the [cauliflower] into a heap on the cucumber

toss

Chee ... eers the fuck is this?!?!

Everything &its multiple angles*

Wendy's is and always has been the best fast food; this is just #facts
&we can all thank the founder, Dave Thomas

Punching UP hurts no one and helps everyone

Using the Library is what's called a "No Lose" Situation

&so, it begins.

Empires fall when The Many rise

C00,000,000,GLER 

Damn, you almost feel sorry for Fuckerberg *sigh*

NOT.

"You sit too far down on 'em charts
To even ask me who's in charge"

[a full them fits more-nicely, in my mind

but love it and am obsessed

nonetheless]

It's the REMEMBERING that's the hardest part.

if you don't know what triggered the Great Depression [tariffs]

look it up [eventho i just told you]

I said, Recession-proof

According to some local article here

Four new Korean restaurants opened here

in Twelve days

Yea, we not flying for some time, now

Yes, it's always an ad, always

"Oh, [my undying love for] Martha"

I slept for Twelve hours

last sleep

"boys mad im not throwing myself at them after 1 compliment [emoji]"

boys mad i don't give a fuck what they think

*is what we call "spin"

First* Fry Day

 

*the first time since relocating here back in 2023

[end note :: &yea, the donuts look a little dark in their final pic, but it is just a result of poor editing as they were fried perfectly by the bodybuddy/lifemate, &the last pic is the chocolate dip/glaze, also whisked up by the bodybuddy/lifemate *sigh*]

Living Local

The two of you inadvertently paid your respects to the Beach Uncle, because your lifestyle took you to there at the time that it took you there, the very first time. Beach Uncle was sitting where he sits, and the two of you, for the first time, walked out toward the beach, and just before your feet hit the sand, you saw him, he you, and we all greeted each other. Moments later, you were feeling the sand of the beach between your toes, and that beach is your home-beach.

For nearly two years, the two of you run by Beach Uncle nearly every time you go for a run, and he greets you, "Good morning," like he does every passerby, and you greet him back, always with your best smile.

One month before the two-year mark of living here, the two of you are out on your run, like you do, and Beach Uncle is sitting where he sits as you run by, 

"Good morning," Beach Uncle greets, as he does.

"Good morning," you wave with a smile,

like you do;

the bodybuddy/lifemate ahead of you,

you cannot hear whatever the bodybuddy/lifemate says to Beach Uncle,

and then Beach Uncle christens you,

"You guys are late this morning," Beach Uncle ribs with a chuckle, and you smile back and shrug.

At the end of the run, out on the rocky ledge, you tell the bodybuddy/lifemate about how you feel as though the Beach Uncle has christened you. 

You feel the responsibility to pass along a few instructions for your Home Beach, especially since you've been seeing/reading a few local headlines about this beach, promoting it as a local hot-spot, and as a person who grew up in an environment of "locals" in a tourist "hot-spot," you loathe the idea of a journalist outing that which ought to only be known by those who reside here, year round, etc., and so, you decide to outline some instructions.

[DISCLAIMER: You do not consider yourself a "local," here, because you weren't born here, but you are a resident, now, and so there are different rules for locals and residents and tourists, and students would be considered residents until/unless you live here long enough to be recognized by locals as a local or you leave only to return as a tourist from time to time, etc.]

On Using "America's Best Urban Beach"

1. If you're a tourist, don't.

a. Yes, you can walk your ass out there and enjoy the place, but don't hunker. It's not your beach. Think of it more like a tourist attraction where you can look upon the locals and residents, etc.

b. If/when walking by, FOLLOW THE RULES; they are posted everywhere; DO NOT FEED THE BIRDS 

2. If you're a new resident, you must greet Beach Uncle before ever stepping foot on the sand.

a. If you don't know who he is, you haven't lived here long enough to use the beach

b. If you don't know where to find him, you haven't lived here long enough to use the beach

c. If you don't know when to find him, you haven't lived here long enough to use the beach 

d. Yes, one of the cats is his friend, so treats probably never hurt

3. Once you reach resident status, you have a responsibility to clean up the "green" fish netting.

a. If you think this substance is seaweed, you are a tourist, see Point 1. 

b. Since Beach Uncle has christened the two of you, the two of you officially feel this responsibility

4. Thank you for taking this seriously. 

if, for whatever reason, you find yourself in that exact moment—sitting at your family's one desktop computer in the living room—when you chose your very first internet identity—an AIM screen-name—you would like to have-chosen Sag4EVA, instead of the screen-name you did choose.

Being fireproof is vital for dragon slaying

so

remember your particular set of Elemental Powers

when choosing which type of boss you'd like to fell

You have deduced most of the parameters of your powers

but it's always never a good idea to share these sorts of details

about one's powers

in public

'cause your enemies are always keeping close tabs on you

"I'm not here for pleasing the men

Not here to reason with them"

If you're wondering why she won't speak about the state of the world

these days

&you think that she has some sort of obligation to explain it all to you

think again

For it is you who have not read this here thing, in its entirety

For she has written

extensively

on the state of the world

she's nearly explained it all

Plus

nobody asks her any specific questions

that they'd like to have explained

etc. 

Dragons work on longer timescales than other aggressors

Thus

the particular difficulty of dragon-slaying

is Time

Can you out-wait

a dragon?

Thus

a time-traveling being

who is fireproof

sorta can't not do some dragon slaying

from time to time

At first

she came in hot

on fire

really

but then you snapped at her

because she was on a rampage

testing every limit

finding every border

reigning herself in

by pushing until she is reprimanded

but she changes

after every reprimand

so much so

that you bought her a bag of popcorn

a new product range that we are to try

but that our bosses are too stingy to buy for us to try

&so

you bought some for them to try

&then

you noticed that the office scissors were missing

&you figured it was one of the new managers

'cause manager turnover

doesn't quite define it

more like

manager overhaul

&so

more patience is on order as all of the new managers

learn about you and your office

&then

literally

minutes after noticing the missing scissors

she comes blasting into your office

talking the entire time

explaining herself

&the scissors

apologetic

&dropping a brand new pair that she bought with her own money

into the shared-utensil holder

&then she was gone

you laugh

&a few days later

of her own volition

she's sitting in your office

telling you everything she thinks that you need to know about her

&you explain to her that you can order all sorts of office supplies for the store

&so

she definitely did not need to spend her own money on the scissors

&you ask her if she needs any jobbing supplies

but what you really know is that she needs some life-ing supplies

&so

you go on with your day

&she clocks out

&later

you decide

that you will supply her with some life-ing supplies

you're in the midst of slaying your very first dragon

&you are not even scared

not even in the slightest

even though

you're pretty sure

you ought to be

*shrug*

you will know when a man loves you

because you know that he loves you

&you know this 

because he will only see the parts of you that he loves

&to him

you are perfect

&you

are baffled

&this is the moment when all of the power of the relationship shifts onto you

entirely

&then

you have to decide

how you will then treat this man

who

undoubtedly

loves you

a man who shows any level of misogyny

is a threat to you

it is only a matter of degree

the reason why misogynists are dangerous to your bodily well-being

mind-health included

is because misogynists have different rules for men and women

For instance

there is a (white) man

here in hawaii

who believes that

because he thinks that his wife cheated on him

she should die

if he cheated on her

the punishment would not exist

because he would not believe that he did anything wrong

if you do not understand that this is the way that the powerful remain powerful

and the powerless

powerless

then you're probably living paycheck to paycheck

For

if you understood that recessions

are the way to keep the powerless

powerless

then you are a millennial

who learned nothing

from the recession

that greeted all of us

at the doorstep of adulthood

ALL MILLENNIALS OUGHT TO BE RECESSION-PROOF

gen z members who bet on the internet

will not succeed

to the extent that gen z members

who joined the job force

so early that

they are

now

twenty-something managers

will succeed

&that's 100%

totally fair

not that gen z cannot have some sort of internet presence

you must have some sort of internet presence

there are ways to learn

without living the lessons

but this way of learning

gives rise to doubt about whatever the Truth

actually is

&so

since you will inevitably search for the Truth

you might as well do it from the start

you're not a victim; you're lazy

"She does what?" Ladybug asks.

"She makes assumptions about me, believes herself to be correct, like a true narcissist, never asks questions, and then behaves according to her own bad-deductions," she explains.

"Just like that other one, the, uh, what was it," Ladybug thinks for a moment.

"The bitchy-agro," she sighs.

"Yes, that's it, bitchy-agro. Just like that?" Ladybug wonders.

"Yes," she sighs.

Ladybug takes a deep breath in and then huffs.

"Like, why is it always the stupidest people who think that they know everything, assume that they've, like, figured it out?" she stomps.

"Dunning and Kruger," Ladybug shakes its head.

"Don't I know it," she shrugs, despondent; "Enough about the losers."

"Yes, of course," Ladybug buzzes off and then loops back around to meet her on the trail.

"Lady?" she starts.

"Yea," Ladybug invites.

"Why don't people just open their mouths and ask?" she asks.

"On an individual level, I could never know such a thing, but in a general sense, it seems like people, in general, are very egocentric. You know?" Ladybug suggests. 

"Yea, like the types who, after you ask them a question about themselves, they keep talking as if you're, like, so interested in them, but really, you're just making conversation, but then they keep talking about themselves, and then, they never even ask you a single reciprocal question, cause like, they're such losers that nobody has ever shown any interest in them, and so, if you're the one who accidentally paid them a modicum of attention, by asking them a question, they suddenly think that you're like obsessed with them, like you care, and you want to know their entire life story, or like, you're literally the only person in the whole world who they will ever be able to tell their life story, etc., but really, you're just making conversation, cause, like, you're a decent person, and this is a social world in which we are all trapped, etc.," she vents.

"Most people are not cool," Ladybug sighs.

"Don't I know it," she sighs.

"So, don't worry about it," Ladybug shrugs.

She stops for a second, looks out over the shallow stream and then across the field between them and the Listmaker's Ranch.

"What do you want to eat?" Ladybug asks.

"A lobster roll," she states as she starts to stroll.

"Great! A lobster roll it is! What is it?" Ladybug asks.

"Ugh, Lady," she slump-shouts.

2025 APRIL | the second of two subscriptions

&it looks like
Christine Sun Kim
is in this issue!
featured in the article
"HOLDING THE LINE"
by Mara Mills

2025 APRIL | the first of two subscriptions

"who is this?" i wonder, aloud.
"g*** h****," the bodybuddy/lifemate answers.
"how the fuck do you know who this is?"
"it says it under the label."
"please."

some yous are me, some yous are you

on the lighted path through darkness
the timeline of the canvas
you're nearly at the end
in fact
you only know
now
where you are on the timeline
because of the slice of Red Threat
&luckily
the slash
is far from the lighted path
upon which you trod

when you sleep
you're severed

you theorize
early on
that there are very few people
who are the whole package
&then
life &living prove you correct

sure, maybe you were not considered by your peers to be "beautiful" when you were growing up

but you're awfully convinced that you are

now

lol

&it's almost as if you're upset

that the world won't acknowledge you

in this way

don't you worry

young witch-ling

most witches struggle to consciously control

or even know

the exact definition of their power

the people who need friends

are the most unattractive options for friendship

because you need a friend

&everyone can smell it on you

this feedback loop

can be devastating

you never have to admit that you're lazy

we know

you literally threw the thing in the trash

&the bodybuddy/lifemate convinced you otherwise

&then

you realized that the thing you were looking forward to

was the painstaking exacto-knife work

the cutting of the thing out of its thing!

&c.

so

at the very least

you cut the thing out

cause it's the cutting it out that you love

in the case that you don't know

it's

FIND.

YUMMY.

&LOVE.

the command is to Find.

these are the things you find to be yummy

&these are the things you find that you love

&c.

the command

for you

is not to "find" anything specific

but to Find what you find

&you share that which is yummy

&or that which you love

&c.

you trolled a comedian about his shitty korean

cause he's Blasian (of the korean variety)

&you find him to be very ignorant

because the terrible pronunciation of his korean

is like ...

imagine someone speaking english who doesn't understand the th- sound in english words

like

let's say

the word "that"

&so

he's running his mouth off 

spewing

"ta-hat! ta-hat! come on, [he wants to say bitches while pointing at some korean women in the audience], you know what i'm saying, you're just refusing to give me the satisfaction," etc., etc., etc.

&so

you commented

in so many words

that he sounds like a racist bigot when he speaks korean

which is just like

so fucking ironic

gen x is full of misogynists

btw

men &women alike

why are you so angry?

"who tipped you over?

was it phillip?"

you are 

currently

a campaign

in need of a face

the type of face that cares

when mistakes are made

not the type of face who thinks

people make mistakes

of course we do

but it's the caring about them that creates change

cause how can you fix something that you shrug off?

you can't

it's obvious/wild that this country is psychologically/politically divided

when considering its obsession with Independence

if she keeps harping on the fact that she mistook you for a filipina

every fucking time she sees you

&then asks

again

whether you're japanese or korean

you're obviously not going to want to interact with her

&so

you'll eventually stop interacting with her

like

duh

you cannot even believe how fast you forget that the beach is

literally

a ten minute walk from your doorstep

ugh

you only care

because she's rich

&that's gross

you took one last shot of the tulips

after each stem had finally given up

you can't help but notice that

there's another korean-adoptee

on Top Chef

when you gave up your genetic data to a corporation

what did you think was going to happen?

if you cannot see the future

it's difficult to live in the present

yes

we all hate it

yes

you have to have one

yes

it's possible to free yourself from it

&yes

it's nearly impossible

it's only a matter of time

before everything will have happened

it is Empire that is expensive

the current administration is showing all of us

you included

right now

just how expensive Empire is to run (defend)

&so

if you're a citizen of Empire

then all you have to do

is go out there and make enough money

to live

you don't even have to make enough money to stay

cause being unhoused doesn't evict you from your country

&yet all of you citizens

bitch &bitch &bitch

about how expensive it is to live a life of luxury on Empire

as if

what you're entitled to

is a life of luxury

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

if you're putting your "daily treat"

on a credit card

you're doing life wrong

you're probably poor

get it through your head

accept it

&then reshape your life so that you are not poor anymore

how do you know that they're spending too much money?

they're overweight

but poor

you can't blame the people for their decisions!

it's the system!

yes

you can

you are the system

can you fat-shame someone who is actually fat?

you can comment on pretty people

so why can't you comment on ugly people?

you think that men who think that they can tell you what they think

&that you'll then care about what they think

are egotistical narcissists

you also think that the old asian men who are constantly surprised by your 

let's say

"go-get'em" attitude

are pathetic

but also

you get it

cause like

it's gotta be tough to be an asian man in/on Empire

it's not like being an asian woman

lol

you attach the letter

&you send the email