aka tkcamas, angstydaisy, amateurtattletale, ladypolarity, &c. ... "esse quam videri" ... described colloquially as a time traveler's life-log while navigating this brief (encompassing that which does not exceed a singular lifetime) hiatus from the cosmic time tide of nonlinear time travel, upon this rock called Earth as it sails around a star named Sun, a name, oddly enough, that is my alien name in this foreign language, and so, "nullius in verba"
24 January 2023
18 January 2023
some thoughts on some stuff [trigger warning: suicidal ideation]
One must apprehend
that which has yet to be comprehended.
By all objective measures, I should be suicidal, yet I'm not. I must be super-human, or a capital-oh Orphan, you know, the kind that grows up to be a super-villain.
Some influencers really are quite self-absorbed.
Yelling at a child makes them feel stupid. Once that child is an adult, that feeling becomes anger.
Men don't know anything.
My 2023 Catchphrase
Don't fucking come at me about ANYTHING unless you've menstruated out your puss.
11 January 2023
If you're a Gen-Z female trying to be yourself in this world, I promise you, I promise, it gets better because it gets easier ... 'it' being life, your life, &living it.
I have been surrounded by Great Women my entire life, and I have been lucky enough to have been deeply, greatly influenced by them as I grew into the woman I am now and intend to become as I continue to grow into the woman I will be.
Two of these women I would like to talk about, briefly, now.
The first of whom is a woman who impacted my life through high school, the second is a woman who employed me while I financially supported myself through my first round of college years, who, only a few years ago, heard my cry and spoke the perfect four words into my ear.
I grew up doing gymnastics, and it wasn't until the spring semester of my freshman year of high school that I took my first dance class in my second-mother's local gym. I loved it, quit gymnastics, and was enrolled in ballet and jazz classes for the following fall, the beginning of my sophomore year of high school.
My ballet teacher was/is a woman named Jeni Ptacek. And when I think of my life, right now, I basically modeled my entire life after her. She did everything. She was not only the teacher of her ballet studio, Crystal River Ballet, she was also the bookkeeper, assistant, scheduler, etc., of that business. Not only that, she hand-sewed, herself, ALL of the costumes for every production. Not only that, she single-handedly managed all of those productions. Not only that, she designed and painted ALL of the sets for her productions.
I do not lie when I tell you that SHE DID EVERYTHING.
And so, in essence, she proved to me that it's possible ... EVERYTHING. She made me want to do EVERYTHING, too. She influenced my decision to become an artist as opposed to a doctor (yes, I literally went to college to become a doctor and was given tons of money to do so, fact). I also sew, paint, dance, and own and run my own business. I do it all because I knew that I could, because Jeni showed me that she could.
When I dropped out of college after my junior year at Baylor University, she reached out to me within the first few days I arrived back home. She didn't ask me how I was doing. She didn't need to catch up with me. She didn't even find out why I dropped out. She called me into the studio, and told me that there's an opportunity to dance in Syracuse, New York. She has the camera all set up, and she'll get my application in the mail tomorrow.
She warmed me up and recorded my audition tape. Six weeks later I was moving into a house in Syracuse, New York to dance full-time as a trainee in a very modest ballet company. After my trainee-ship, I enrolled at the University of Colorado and I finished up my degrees. The week before I left, we met for coffee and she gave me the most beautiful dance bag in the history of dance bags. My relationship with dance changed, and I got rid of it, with all my other dance stuff, and now that it's changed again, I wish I still had that bag.
During the summers between college semesters, I worked at the local restaurant, Tempranillo, a Spanish restaurant that prided itself on its tapas at a time when tapas were just getting hot, as a server. The owners were a married couple, Laura Maine, the manager, and Javier (never knew his last name?), the chef. They were one sexy couple. Let me tell ya. Laura Maine is one of those like old-money beauties, perfect hair, perfect white teeth, perfectly fitting crisp shirts, etc. In short, I wanted nothing more than to not only win her approval, but also, I wanted to be her when I grew up. She was filled with so much grace and understanding.
One summer, after working six nights a week (every other shift being doubles) for four weeks, I melted down and started crying when the bar tender was short with me. She, the bar tender, sent me back to see Laura.
When I appeared in her doorway, she looked at me, and was like, "What happened?" And I was like, "I'm so tired. You never give me any days off." She literally laughed, "You've never asked for a single day off. Why would I schedule you off? I want you here." Sniffling, I sniffed, "What?" She stopped what she was doing, told me to sit down, and then looked at me, "You, Tiffany, will have to ask for time off if you want it. Nobody is going to not want you to work. Go home. Take the day off. When you come back, tell me what you need your schedule to be." Sniffling still, "Okay. Thanks."
Ten years later, I find myself in a predicament while working with "some guy" on opening his restaurant in Seattle, Washington.
It was the type of situation that I had not really ever found myself in, and I could not wrap my head around the situation because I couldn't put my finger on the problem. After about four weeks of misery, I finally got desperate enough to reach out to Laura. I hadn't spoken to her in, like I said, about ten years.
First I sent off an email. She replied with her phone number and a "call any time" within the day. I mustered the courage to pick up the phone and called her the next day. When she picked up, she said, "What's the problem." I explained to her the situation I was in, and when I was finished she said,
"Does he get it?"
I was stunned into silence. She said exactly the right thing to unlock what was happening. Nervous that I had wasted her time, I giggled it off cause it was so absurdly simple, and then I asked her what they were up to, business wise. She updated me about their new endeavor, the Old Snowmass gas station! I was so excited for her and them. It was so great to hear that she was still being awesome.
We hung up, and that was that.
Four years later, I'm sitting here recounting the impact of these two women on my life.
The enormity of their influence is undeniable.
I am a product of the work and words that were instilled in me by women who cared and who knew, because I am, apparently, on some path following behind them.
10 January 2023
If your mother (first, second, third or whichever) is your bully, you don't have to speak to her. I'm giving you permission.
I've been working through a lot of things, and one of the biggest continuing struggles is the voice of my second mother (I have three mothers, and I don't speak to any of them because they literally and figuratively do not know how to speak to me) ...
more than a few times, my second mother left a comment on my old photography site FIND.YUMMY.LOVE. (on wordpress), here's a little sample ::
"why would you post that?"
"you're on a couch? who cares about this?"
more than a few times, my second mother left a comment on my old writing site Lady Polarity (on wordpress), here's a little sample ::
"why can't you write about anything happy?"
"who would care about this?"
"can't this have a happy ending?"
one time, when i had an fbook account, my second mother left a comment on one of my posts ::
"who would care about that? why would you care about that?"
Let's just say, my willingness to speak to my second mother has been dwindling for most of my life.
And this was all basically once I was a grown-ass adult, in "public," so I'll go ahead and let you imagine what she said to me in private, cause I don't have the stomach to re-trodden what's already been re-trodden, because my point is that of encouragement.
Yes, I've had to basically hide from my second mother on the internet, because she has been, for the entirety of my online existence, my one and only bully. And so, if it seems like I've been hiding (changing websites, changing handles on my socials, etc., etc., &c.), it is because I have been hiding from my internet bully, my second mother.
My point, however, is that you don't have to speak to anyone you don't want to speak to, and I'm not fucking hiding anymore.
It's that simple.
If someone is not treating you the way that you want to be treated, leave that dick, ass, cunt, etc.
If someone is emotionally beating you down so intensely that you can't even post a simple set of pictures, like I have posted below, ditch that bitch (men can be bitches, too).
Life's waaaayyy too fucking short to be emotionally beaten down by someone you can easily cut out of your life (and I am not speaking about women who suffer at the hands of violent men, this is not that).
This is pinpointing your bully and freeing yourself from them so that you can be yourself in your life. No, of course this is not about posting to the internet, but I like to post to the internet, and so, if someone is prohibiting you from doing what you want because they're discouraging rather than encouraging, I am encouraging you now to do that thing you love and want to do so badly, and ditch that bitch!
Fuck those who do not create. Their opinions are worthless to you.
"You ain't worth my love if you only love to hate me"
08 January 2023
a Korean Adoptee makes Korean 떡국 American Style (or 'her way' cause, being raised by not-koreans means she doesn't inherently understand korean food, but she has spent a fair amount of time in korea, so understanding is on its way to her, one hopes) for New Year, like a good little Korean.
the day before ...
make chicken stock with twelve cups of water,
thick chopped onion,
chicken (breasts, thighs, whatevs)
in amounts that sound delicious to you (i used half a white onion [we're going for clarity here in the broth] and half a bulb of garlic)
and salt to taste
... basically splash a little oil into the bottom of a stock pot, throw in the onions
once the onions start to sweat, throw in the garlic,
once the smells start smelling, add water,
once the water starts boiling, add chicken,
once the water with chicken reaches a simmer, turn down the heat so that the chicken never boils hard (i use a method where the temp is at 3 o'clock until the water starts to simmer again with the chicken in it, and then i turn the heat down to 9 o'clock and put a lid mostly over the top, not covering it, and i find that this keeps the water bubbly but not boiling. boiled chicken will be rubbery. yikes!),
once the chicken is cooked through (this will depend on what chicken parts you've decided to use, etc.), remove chicken bits and use for whatever (we made chicken cesar salads with half and a chicken and bean hot dish with the other),
once cooled enough to handle, strain the contents of the pot into a vessel for the broth,
use broth immediately or refrigerate for a day or two and use later.
the making of it ...
fill a large bowl with one kilogram of flat-disk rice cakes, fill the bowl with cold water, gently nudge stuck rice cakes apart, let sit for at least thirty minutes or so,
then pour the already-made chicken broth into a pot large enough for however much 떡국 needed for hearty consumption (i.e. how many people will be eating it?)
while the broth is coming to a boil, prepare the toppings,
prepare egg topping, scallions, and seaweed topping
crack one egg and split the yolk into one small bowl, the whites into another, whisk each until loose
in a small sauté pan, melt a tablespoon or so of butter,
once the butter bubbles, pour the egg whites into the pan, cook until nearly cooked, then flip and wait for it to sizzle for about a thirty seconds, then remove from pan and fold like a burrito, set aside,
repeat with the egg yolk,
then slice both white and yellow egg "burritos" into thin strips, set aside,
once the egg is prepared, slice up one sprig of scallion (like you're making tiny rings) for each serving,
once the scallion is prepared, cut up a sheet of dried seaweed into mouth-sized strips,
once the toppings are prepared, set aside so they may await their use,
once the broth starts to boil, drain the rice cakes, drop into boiling chicken broth,
once the broth begins to boil again, cook until the rice cakes are soft,
once the rice cakes are soft, serve the soup into serving bowls,
sprinkle the scallion in the broth,
make a small mound of white egg strips in the middle,
make a smaller mound of egg yolk strips on top of that,
gently mound the seaweed on top of the egg yolk,
eat with kimchi and fresh, sticky white rice,
03 January 2023
Twitterless Tweets | A 'Some Thoughts On Some Stuff' Edition
02 January 2023
The Complete List—(of/for reading)—2022
2X52 [w/a little leeway meaning 80] for 2022
Year Total: 80/80
1. The Vanishing Half by BRIT BENNETT
2. Living in Data: A Citizen’s Guide to a Better Information Future by JER THORP
3. It Doesn’t Have To Be Awkward: Dealing with Relationships, Consent, and other Hard-to-Talk About Stuff by DR. DREW & PAULINA PINSKY
4. The Cult of We: WeWork, Adam Neumann, and the Great Startup Delusion by ELIOT BROWN & MAUREEN FARRELL
5. UNFOLLOW ME: Essays on Complicity by JILL LOUISE BUSBY
6. Playing Dead: A journey through the world of death fraud by ELIZABETH GREENWOOD
7. Bad Fat Black Girl: Notes from a Trap Feminist by SESALI BOWEN
8. How the One-Armed Sister Sweeps Her House by CHERIE JONES
10. An Ugly Truth: Inside Facebook’s Battle for Domination by SHEERA FRENKEL & CECILIA KANG
11. How To Wrestle A Girl: Stories by VENITA BLACKBURN
17. BOTH/AND: A Life in Many Worlds by Huma Abedin
18. Mother of Invention: How Good Ideas Get Ignored in an Economy Built for Men by Katrine Marçal
19. 1,000 Words to Sign by Professor Geoffrey S. Poor
20. Memory Speaks: On Losing and Reclaiming Language and Self by Julie Sedivy
22. All The Water I've Seen Is Running by Elias Rodriques
23. The Woman Behind the New Deal: The Life of Frances Perkins, FDR's Secretary of Labor and His Moral Conscience by Kirstin Downey
24. STICKY: The Secret Science of Surfaces by Laurie Winkless
25. A Dream Life by Claire Messud
26. The Secret Lives of Color by Kassia St. Clair
27. Black Roses: Odes Celebrating Powerful Black Women by Harold Green III
31. PUSSYPEDIA: A Comprehensive Guide by Zoe Mendelson
32. Lessons from Plants by Beronda L. Montgomery
33. Astrobiology: A Brief Introduction by Kevin W. Plaxco, Michael Gross
35. Single Black Female by Tracy Brown
36. For Love Of The Dollar: The Portrait of the Artist as an Undocumented Immigrant by J.M. Servin
37. She Memes Well by Quinta Brunson
44. Touch: The Science of Hand, Heart and Mind by David J. Linden
45. The House of Rust by Khadija Abdalla Bajaber
46. Nanoscale: Visualizing an Invisible World by Kenneth S. Deffeyes
47. Archer by Shruti Swamy
48. Hi, I'm an Atheist by David D. McAfee
49. The Little Book of Hermetic Principles by Amber D. Browne
50. Activities of Daily Living by Lisa Hsiao Chen
51. Heretics!: The Wondrous (and Dangerous) Beginnings of Modern Philosophy by Steven Nadler and Ben Nadler
53. The Secret Life of Fungi: Discoveries From A Hidden World by Aliya Whiteley
54. Fascinating Shells: An Introduction to 121 of the World’s Most Wonderful Mollusks by Andreia Salvador
55. Bird Brother: A Falconer's Journey and the Healing Power of Wildlife by Rodney Stotts
56. Level Up: Rise Above the Hidden Forces Holding Your Business Back by Stacey Abrams and Lara Hodgson and Heather Cabot
57. Lemon by Kwon Yeo-sun
58. Incense and Sensibility by Sonali Dev
59. Below by Laurel Hightower
60. It Was All A Dream: Biggie and the World that Made Him by Justin Tinsley
61. All The Horses of Iceland by Sarah Tolmie
62. A Molecule Away From Madness: Tales of the Hijacked Brain by Sara Manning Peskin
63. STEPMOTHERLAND by Darrel Alejandro Holnes
64. The Legacy of Molly Southbourne by Tade Thompson
66. Overdue: Reckoning with the Public Library by Amanda Oliver
67. Sinopticon: A Celebration of Chinese Science Fiction translated by Xueting Christine Ni
68. Beloved Beasts: Fighting for Life in an Age of Extinction by Michelle Nijhuis
69. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
71. Some of Then Will Carry Me by Giada Scodellaro
72. Everything I Need I Get From You: How Fangirls Created The Internet As We Know It by Kaitlyn Tiffany
73. Everything Beautiful: A Guide To Finding Hidden Beauty in the World by Ella Frances Sanders
74. Banned Books: The World's Most Controversial Books, Past and Present
75. The Bonobo Sisterhood: Revolution through Female Alliance by Diane L. Rosenfeld
76. We Are The Ark: Returning Our Gardens to Their True Nature Through Acts of Restorative Kindness by Mary Reynolds
77. Cats & Books
78. Real Phonies and Genuine Fakes by Nicky Beer
79. Red & Blue Make Green by TK Camas
80. Revenge of the Scapegoat by Caren Beilin
—visit my video playlist "As a Reader" to view this year's books in images—
2022 December Reads | Books 70-80/80
2022 DECEMBER Reads
Month Goal: 11/11
Year Goal: 70-80/80
Nonfiction | 573.87 HIG | 2022 | 320 pages
2. Some of Then Will Carry Me by Giada Scodellaro
Fiction Scodellaro, G. | 2022 | 184 pages
3. Everything I Need I Get From You: How Fangirls Created The Internet As We Know It by Kaitlyn Tiffany
Nonfiction | 004.678 TIF | 2022 | 320 pages
4. Everything Beautiful: A Guide To Finding Hidden Beauty in the World by Ella Frances Sanders
Nonfiction | 111.85 SAN | 2022 | 224 pages
5. Banned Books: The World's Most Controversial Books, Past and Present
Nonfiction | 098.1 BAN | 2022 | 192 pages
6. The Bonobo Sisterhood: Revolution through Female Alliance by Diane L. Rosenfeld
Nonfiction | 362.88082 ROS | 2022 | 304 pages
7. We Are The Ark: Returning Our Gardens to Their True Nature Through Acts of Restorative Kindness by Mary Reynolds
Nonfiction | 630.2086 REY | 2022 | 276 pages
8. Cats & Books
Nonfiction | 779.32975 CAT | 2022 | 112 pages
9. Real Phonies and Genuine Fakes by Nicky Beer
Poetry | 811.6 BEE | 2022 | 104 pages
10. Red & Blue Make Green by TK Camas
Fiction Camas, TK | 2016 | 258 pages
11. Revenge of the Scapegoat by Caren Beilin
Fiction Beilin, C. | 2022 | 167 pages