21st Century and Human | a script

21st Century and Human

By Marx and Engels

[BLACK SCREEN]

A coffee pot hisses; cabinets open and close; a heavy mug breaks; sweeping

GUEST 2

[to self]

Fuck.

DOG (outside back of house)

[throaty, aggressive]

Arf arf.

INT. BREAKFAST NOOK — EARLY MORNING

[One long-take; static]

GUEST 1 sits in direct sunlight at disheveled table while reading. 

GUEST 2 walks into frame, a cup of coffee in each hand.

GUEST 2 sets one cup in front of GUEST 1, sits at table next to GUEST 1, starts reading.

GUEST 1 deeply inhales coffee, returns to book.

GUEST 1

Oooo, our Starbucks days. I bet these aren’t Starbucks beans, though.

GUEST 2

They’re not. They’re something much more expensive.

GUEST 1

Figures.

Heavy thuds on wood.

GUEST 1 looks off screen.

GUEST 1

Hey! Morning!

A liquid pours into a vessel; glass scrapes metal; heavy thuds on wood.

HOST (off camera)

You crazy kids get some sleep last night?

GUEST 2 looks off screen with GUEST 1.

GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 (in unison)

Yea, it’s real warm down there.

GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 look at each other lustfully and giggle.

HOST (off camera)

Well, I’m real happy for you two.

GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 return their attention to HOST.

GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 (in unison)

Yea, we’re real happy for us, too.

GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 giggle, settle into books.

HOST washes dishes, begins preparing breakfast off screen.

HOST saunters into frame, holding coffee, smiling.

HOST

You guys want some bacon?

GUEST 1

[raises hand]

Yes, please!

HOST

How …

GUEST 1

[shouts]

Four!

HOST looks at GUEST 2 as GUEST 2 holds up two fingers, eyes on book.

HOST moonwalks badly out of frame back into kitchen.

GUEST 1

[loudly to reach kitchen]

Hey! Can I ask you something?

HOST

Uh, depends.

GUEST 1

You don’t do Starbucks beans, anymore, so does that mean you don’t do Starbucks at all now, since, like?

HOST

Since that bitch fired me?

GUEST 1

Yea.

HOST

Hell, no.

GUEST 1

Yea, I get it. What even happened there?

HOST

I was the one who got us to number one during the promotion, and then she fired me right before we got the bonus for winning.

GUEST 1

Did she tell you why?

HOST

No!

GUEST 1

How do you know that you were the reason why we won?

HOST

Cause she told me.

GUEST 1

Oh. You sold a lot of Via, then?

HOST

Yea, right. Nobody bought that shit, but it was the same exact price as a tall coffee, so anyone who ordered a tall, I’d ring up as Via.

GUEST 2

[quotes Oscar from The Office]

“That’s something we in the industry like to refer to as ‘misleading the shareholders,’ also known as ‘fraud’.”

HOST inches partially into frame.

HOST

What?

GUEST 1

You committed fraud.

HOST

How?

GUEST 1

Customers ordered one product, but you told the company that they were buying a different product.

HOST

But they’re the same exact price.

GUEST 1

But the receipt says they bought Via, but they ordered brewed.

HOST

I don’t see how that’s a problem. Two-fifty is two-fifty.

GUEST 1

Yea, but it was a promotional contest for Via, specifically.

HOST

Yea, so we were trying to sell the most Via. It was right there. I figured out that the price was exactly the same as a tall brew, so I’d charge for a Via, and we won.

GUEST 1

Yea, off fake sales.

HOST

No, everyone paid the same price for a tall. Nobody noticed.

GUEST 1

Well, somebody noticed.

HOST

Who? That bitch, the manager who fired me? She turned me in?

GUEST 1

Well …

DOG bursts into frame, jumps on HOST, HOST rushes out of frame with DOG.

GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 watch HOST and DOG leave in a scurry, return to reading.

GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 read for forty-five minutes.

INT. BREAKFAST NOOK — NOON

[BLACK SCREEN] 

DOG (outside front of house)

[throaty, aggressive]

Arf arf.

nobody wants to hear you until they want to be near you

how does gravity both smooth out wrinkles in hanging fabric

and engrave them into your face?

scales can be balanced by both addition or subtraction.

hold a mirror up to an idiot

and they will see you.

resorting to your power in numbers proves that you're powerless.

when what used to be wrested

goes to market.

simplifying complexity

amplifying mediocrity

rewarding loyalty

misunderstanding global hierarchy

sibling rivalry

the people who must exert power over you

are really presenting their measly offerings

to you

a person they see

as powerful.

some social media text slides

are better than others.

your opinion

or what you think

is of little significance

anyone who tells you otherwise

feels insignificant.

sometimes

full-tilt looks like someone throwing spaghetti on the wall

to see what sticks

other times

it looks like a poser with something to prove.

the privilege of boredom

is a privilege of freedom

financial freedom.

the people who confuse

spending power

with the power of money

are probably jobbing multiple jobs.

if someone is so desperately lost

that they're about to kill you over some belief they have in their head

tell them that they are right

agree with them

tell them everything you need to tell them

in order for them to feel validated

&if you're lucky

that'll be enough to convince them to kill themselves

instead of you.

learning is how you find out what you don't know

&so

you should definitely look at someone

who either

refuses to learn or spends no time learning

as if they are a threat to your bodily well-being

because they are.

it's a cylinder

about a foot tall

your hand fits comfortably around it

you hold it like a handle-less cup

&it's squishy

&it's full of some sort of liquid

you can squeeze it

so you place your hand directly in the middle of the cylinder

exactly half of the cylinder rises upward

above your hand

&exactly half extends down

you begin to squeeze it

the liquid above your thumb

begins to expand the upper portion of the cylinder outward

it's getting fatter

&below your thumb the cylinder begins to expand outward

it's getting fatter

too

&the middle is squeezed

until bottom-cylinder liquid

can no longer

move freely into top-cylinder liquid

&vice versa

so really

all you gotta be

is greater than fifty

51%

99%

or even

50.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000∞1%

&you're there

Cachai?

p.p.p.s. [post publishing post script]

obviously
he said this after reading this post
and i lol'd so loud that i wrote it down
&then we went off to Home Depot
to return a drill that we thought was missing a part, etc.
&it turns out
that my writing was prophecy of our own idiocy
lol
anyway
we both suffered a bit of humiliation at our own idiocy
but then
we saw our jobplace boss
[the big one]
as we were exiting
and the image he saw
was of the two of us
at Home Depot
as early as early can be
with a brand new drill
and big smiles on our faces
lol
and he offered us a ride back in the direction he suspected we were heading
but we had other stops to make
&so
i cannot help but think
that the universe is sending a message
&i'm doing my best to soak it all in
lol

when both feet hate that both shoes fit, lol

you are not only, but you are also.

#SEAblingK-Drama

you are not only poor, but you are also poor.

you are not only rich, but you are also rich.

you are not only racist, but you are also racist.

you are not only elitist, but you are also elitist.

you are not only uneducated, but you are also uneducated.

you are not only educated, but you are also educated.

you are not only hegemon-deniers, but you are also hegemon-deniers.

you are not only hegemon-subscribers, but you are also hegemon-subscribers.

you are not only feeling jealous, but you are also feeling jealous.

you are not only feeling superior, but you are also feeling superior.

you are not only feeling overlooked, but you are also feeling overlooked.

you are not only feeling revered, but you are also feeling revered.

you are not only punching up, but you are also punching up.

you are not only punching down, but you are also punching down.

you are; and so are you.

[re the pics]

for the gregorian new year

i found the most-perfect

three-rows of kitties

notebook

(one for each comma ;)

&for lunar new year

all i wanted was gold

&i said so

out loud

a number of times

on new year's day

and by the time stores started to finally open

we went out

&i found these most perfect

three-stoned

earrings!

($24.99 for a pack of three sets of studs

not-real gold

but supposedly 14k-gold plated stainless steel

that enter the holes from the back

&i can sleep in them!

#success when considering my lifelong #goals

to have a "look"

lol

we'll see how long these bad-girls last

lol)

as i am

literally

moments away from breaking 300K-views

on this site

lol

(updated pics posted here)

the necklace is not new

but has been newly-decided to be worn

when it seems like everyone does, but everyone doesn't.

yea, we're obviously watching the winter olympics, cause like, we're home-internet-paying millennial-adults (yes, some millennial-adults do not have internet at home, gasp!), cause it's included in our total, flat-rate, monthly rental payment (along with utilities), and here, in honolulu, the included internet provider forces us to have a cable subscription, in order to have internet, but then, all of the sudden, over the past year and a half, or so, our cable/internet subscription has morphed into subscriptions to four big streamers (and a couple worthless streamers), and if we hold out long enough, we will have all of the big streamers at our fingertips for the low-low price included in our rent, lol, jk, we'll never pay for netflix, lol. 

anyway, this is not a post about streaming services, despite the opening *sigh*

this post is about the winter olympics and why i have never really been able to "get into" them, etc.

despite my general *meh* about the winter olympics, we have been watching a few events, cause, as night-jobbers, we are home quite early in the morning, and so, we've been able to watch the events live LIVE, and really, live LIVE is really the only way to really enjoy any sorta sporting event, imho *ugh*

generally speaking, i have never really been "into" the winter olympics. i am, generally speaking, a huge fan of the summer olympics, because of gymnastics and track &field. and i've never really been able to pin-point exactly why it is that i don't care much for the winter olympics, in general, until this current cycle *phew*

the summer olympics is a true feat of meritocracy. 

anyone who wants to run, can run.

no equipment necessary, not even shoes.

the winter olympics is a gauche display of privilege.

&i grew up with the exact sort of privilege that breeds winter olympians,

and the playing field is the opposite of meritocracy;

it's Elitism. 

winter sports are for the "Elites" with both time and money ... to spare.

&there is a small community of locals (like me from families like mine) who live in these "Elite" areas of the world who get to enjoy these winter sports, too, but even among the locals, only a few can actually afford to "go the distance" for a child with a particular penchant for snow-sports. 

&so, we are not watching a competition of the "best" athletes;

we are watching a competition of the "richest" athletes;

a sort of spectacle for the already-endowed,

and it's sorta gross.

it's not so much sport

as it is pageantry.

Neil and Melody Camas

this is a phone-camera pic of a photo-printer print-off of a digital snap of a physical photo
lol
date of actual picture
unknown

the below pics are good old-fashioned developed/printed film
arranged on our front-closet door
shot with my phone camera
&range in dates between 1989ish - 2009ish

  

&i've always sorta hated the asian-americans who bitch about "representation" as if they would've never pursued their sport if they had never seen another asian doing winter sports, etc.

&this is what asian-americans fundamentally do not understand about korean adoptees. we're everywhere. we've been everywhere for a long time, and none of us ever needed representation to do our thing. 

nobody needs representation to achieve greatness;

if you're great,

you're great.

any and everyone who is ever a First had no representation, duh. 

&the rise of asian-ness in winter sports is mostly a matter of numbers, and wealth, and privilege. 

some countries, literally, do not have cold, snowy winters *iroll*

&yea, i talk a big game about skiing/snowboarding, calling out posers, laughing at wannabes, cause, even though it's been a long time since i hit the slopes, if i were to hit the slopes tomorrow, i can confidently say that (unless you're a competitive skier/snowboarder) i can ski and snowboard waaaay better than you. i can ski anything, but i prefer to snowboard, and i only like to cruise.

&yea, digging around to find these pics made me realize that 99% of the time i spent on the mountain was with my adopted family, and then i had to decide whether or not to post these pics, and then i had a think about how, when i was growing up, it seemed like everyone i knew skied/snowboarded, but it's not true that everyone did, and that's when i pinpointed the ick that the winter olympics makes me feel.

nevertheless, it's hilarious to me that three asians (specifically two koreans) topped the podium for a snowboarding event, and that they were born at a time when i started snowboarding, a time when snowboarding was not-permitted on aspen mountain, lol. 

to this day, i'll still not ride aspen.

if i spent a week on the slopes,

i'd spend one day skiing highlands,

one half-day boarding buttermilk,

and five whole days riding snowmass

(maybe one day skiing). 

[end note]

&i'd bet that

to this day

my adopted dad is still upset that i became a knuckle-dragger

lol

he really thought the world of my skiing ability

&it reminds me of a time when i went to breckenridge* with an old boyfriend and his dad

&we saw his dad from the lift one time

&i felt so embarrassed for his dad

&i basically knew that our relationship would not last

my dad would be so disappointed

by contrast

the first time the bodybuddy/lifemate and i rode around snowmass

i fell even deeper in love

cause we both had the same idea about riding the slopes

we're just riding our snowboards around the mountain to get snacks

like

duh

*i, by seriously good fortune, have been able to ride the "five mountains" of the colorado front range, as well, and for free (this is what friends are for, btw), and i gotta say, it sucks, lol. breckenridge is waaay too crowded, and it's not worth the wait. winter park is such a fucking nightmare of a drive, but the slopes are sweet, i'll give 'em that. a-basin is for beginners, so it is actually kinda fun, if you're willing to dodge the newbies right and left, but you risk getting seriously taken out by one of them. vail (i'm from the roaring fork valley; i am obligated to hate vail), totally hate, but seriously, the logistics of the town/mountain totally sucks. beaver creek actually had some really fun runs, but again, if i'm already at beaver creek, i'm just gonna drive all the way into the valley, for the realest ski town there is, and yea, i'ma be snooty about it, cause if you know, you know.

다.

On the Superiority of the White American

my birth mother gave me this necklace
the last time i saw her
when we were moving out of 서울시 back in 2018
i wore it for a minute
when we were in aotearoa for a minute
but i already had a necklace that i never took off
so i packed it away
until today
when i decided that i'd start wearing it
cause i'd sorta retired the spinel
(after it made sporadic, sputtered appearances off and on my neck all of last year)
and then i realized that i wanted to take a pic of myself in this old/new necklace
cause i haven't really worn it
and also so that i could write this post about it
and bring up the fact that i'm an adoptee
yet again
*yawn*
and in so doing
i would be able to bring up the reason why i have yet to "say anything"
with regards to the "state of the world"
and by "world"
white-americans mean
"the united states of america"

the reason why i find myself with nothing to say is because ::
a) i grew up in a place where "illegal immigrants" were the norm
b) i am not an immigrant; i am an adoptee,
and so my globeaux perspective is not one built on immigration,
and yet, i am familiar with what it's like to be treated as an "other,"
nevertheless,
i have also grown up with privileges typically doled out to only those who are "white."

a) i was raised in a little town in the roaring fork valley within the mountains of colorado where
"illegal immigrants" were a heavily relied upon jobforce
and these "illegal" jobbers came from all over the world
"they" were everywhere
and "they" were deported
frequently
only to return
lol
because the place where i grew up
was a seasonal hot-spot
and i was adopted into a white-family home that raised me in this place
and in this white-family home
someone being mexican was whispered
and if i described a classmate as mexican
i was told to "shush! don't call them that."

same for the bodybuddy/lifemate.
same for probably most of my peers from colorado at this time.

the high school senior year book has a literal separate section for the latino students
literally
two complete year books in one
*vomits*

i think it made the white people
feel good
about their "position" in this life

b) i attended baylor university in waco
texas
my freshman year of college
and i submitted my dorm selection in order of preference
and i got my first-pick dorm
and after a week or two of getting a lay of the land
i met exactly three other asians and one black student
everyone else was white
three of us asians were korean-adoptees
which means that we had white names on our applications
and the other two not-white students were
apparently
the black/asian tokens
i
obviously
had no idea what was happening until i arrived at my first korean-language class
(my choice for foreign language credits, lol)
and a lot of korean-americans were in this class, lol
and they all lived in the same dorm
a shitty dorm
(i don't actually know if it's "shitty," cause i never saw it on the inside; it's what i was told, etc.)
at the far end of campus
the shitty dorm
where all of the globeaux students all lived
together

also
it seems like mostly city-dwelling libtards
who are irate
like
it's almost as if these city-dwelling libtards had no idea that anything like what's going on now
was ever going on
here
on Empire
and it's almost like they're clueless about how living here
on Empire
"illegally"
is risky
so risky
in fact
that people
families
entire populations of people risk their lives
to get here
and yea
it's not fair that some people can get here easily
while others suffer and struggle
it's not fair that some children are dragged here
at an age too young to know what's happening to them
it's not fair that Elitism is a thing
it's not fair
but fairness has never been part of any of this

from my point of view
which is arbitrary and "from the outside"
none of this is new
and if you think that the violence is new
it's not
past presidents simply had a lot more tact

but white people have really never cared about reform or issues regarding immigration
until now
as it pertains to their chosen white-image
and the way that it looks against the current alternative white-image

it serves these types well
to be pro-immigration
rn

and in the context of human history
well
it's textbook

and so
if you're upset that i have not "spoken up" about the "state of the world"
what is it that you would like for me to say?
i'm not surprised?
what an atrocity?
stop it, guys?
justice for fill-in-the-blank?

if you do not understand what's happening
now
and how it differs from police brutality
which i've seen morphed into "polICE brutality"
*ugh*
then you're sorta part of the problem

you're what's called a non-reader.

"
first as tragedy
then as farce
"

and yea
things are going to get markedly worse
before they get better
but this has literally been the messaging since
like
the dawn of this century

so if you're the "losing sleep" over this shit
type
pick up a book about history
and fucking read it
you'll feel better
i promise

and if you're the
"none of this is about me! i'm irate for thhheeeeehhhm!"
type
well
i have some sour news for you
cause
it is literally your fault
that you haven't done enough
or anything
(amirite)
for immigration-reform
on Empire

the world cannot be something other than what it is

and it is your responsibility to understand what it is that the world is

and with that knowledge and understanding

you become part of the world

not a judge

not a participant

not an other

not less-than human

not even human-human

but rather

a part

one singular

meaningless part

of a larger whole

that belongs within

all of this

everything

the world

ALL of LIFE

no one is well

unless ALL is well

다.

an Evolution in Edits | 2025 to 2016

excited for whatever 2026 inspires
[03.03.2026]
*shrug*
the one thing i know
for certain
is that the front-facing-camera selfie
is dead
(to me)

late 2025

2025

2024

2023 (more for video than photo)

2022 (also more for video than photo)

2021

2020

2019/2018

2017

2016 (i don't use the same editors that i used to use, so specific frame styles are not available on the editors i use now)

Happy Snappin'

^..^

HOME DEPOT Day

so

we went to Home Depot

by bus

*yippie*

and got everything we needed to build ourselves a custom work-table

*cheers*

&i am not one to review things

especially name-branded things

for free

of my own volition

but we had a really great experience/day

yesterday

despite the job

(we requested two consecutive days off

and we got them

but then my backup got sick

[par for the course]

and she's leaving next week

so this was literally my last chance to get two consecutive days off

cause she's leaving

and i will not express my feelings about the situation

at this time

and so i had to go into the job [end note]

cause i'ma fucking manager!)!

*booooooooooooooooo*

nevertheless

we (the bodybuddy/lifemate&i)

hopped on the bus around the time that we needed to catch it

in order to arrive at Home Depot right at opening

lol

seriously tho

anyway

at the beginning of every new year

the bodybuddy/lifemate excitedly

(he's literally poring over our W-2s

rn

after exclaiming to me earlier

that mine had finally arrived)

makes this really

(boring-)

interesting slideshow about our previous fiscal year

and presents it to me

like i'm the fucking CEO of some-fucking company

cause i am

lol

seriously tho

anyway

we are at a certain point in our personal financial growth/situation

when it is also a good time to start another business

when considering

the timeline of your average business

requiring about two years before being profitable

etc., etc., &c.

and taxes

lol

and so

we went to Home Depot

to buy all the stuff we need to build a work-table

upon which i can begin designing the clothes

for my future as a designer of things wearable

it's like i said, we arrived as early as we could, and so, the very first points awarded to this review were given before we even arrived. when we saw online that the place opened at 5AM(!) we were thrilled. any business that opens before SIX is a winner, in our book, lol.

we arrived at five, sharp, and the first thing we needed to do was figure out if we could even accomplish what we were hoping we could accomplished based off what we could learn from reading the Home Depot website, and here's a shortlist of what we needed to be able to do there, which, like i said, we were led to believe was possible:

• buy lumber
• have lumber cut into various lengths
• have cut-up lumber delivered
• we are not contractors, just regular folks

we asked one of the first employees (genz) we saw about what we were trying to do, and he directed us to the "PRO" Customer Service area at the front of the store. there, another employee (genx) said that we needed to talk to regular Customer Service at the other end of the store, cause we are not contractors (hence the "PRO"). once we arrived at the regular Customer Service area another employee (genx) confirmed that everything we wanted to accomplish IS possible, and that we could return right to her once we had all of our lumber cut up.

we were thrilled, and any anxiety i had about this particular errand-run started to dissipate, but then, we found another employee (genz) who could do the cutting up of the lumber, and he confirmed for us what i had already learned after reading the sign stating the rules, which were as follows:

• No Project Cutting
• No Cuts Under 12 Inches

the original table design needs eight pieces of wood under 12 inches in length, because the legs are designed to be removable. well, i said, i guess the legs are going to be screwed in, boo. we ditched the removable aspect and pressed on.

we easily found all of the pieces of lumber that we had imagined for our design, and we easily helped ourselves to everything as we loaded up a trolley-cart thingy, and we loaded up the number of pieces that we needed according to their "No Cut Under 12 Inches" rule, which meant that we needed to buy more pieces cause each piece could essentially only be cut once lest there only be four inches leftover! but seriously, i had no problem with the policy. i am a student of sculpture, and wood-cutting tools ought not be tested, and for such a public-facing business, there's no need to risk some kid getting whacked in the nut-sack by a flung piece of wood, in front of a customer, lol.

once we were done fishing for our wood, we found yet another employee (genz), and we explained all the various lengths that we needed. he was a very competent-seeming kid, except that he didn't put on any safety goggles, and he did the thing that we knew he could not do, and he cut two lengths out of one piece and left a shorter-than-twelve-inch piece. i gasped a little gasp and looked at the bodybuddy/lifemate, he just, i inhale, yea, the bodybuddy/lifemate smirks. 

needless to say, we bought too many pieces, now have twice as many lengths of a specific length than we need, but whatever. we were trying to be good customers and follow the rules. we did not ask the kid to break the rules, just fyi. we explained the measurements we needed and assumed that he knew the rules, etc.

*sigh*

once done with the lumber portion of all of this, we headed straight back to the Customer Service area at the front of the store, and we were ushered in by yet another employee (genz) who was adorable and helpful. we paid and set up our delivery, and then grabbed a regular-wagon and started shopping for all of the other stuff.

during this "other stuff" journey, we encountered two young women employees (genz) who were very helpful, albeit stand-offish, when i grabbed the last four casters in the size/shape/style that we needed, but i needed five. i asked the two young women employees if they had more, and one of them scanned the product in my hand, but her device was going too slow, so the other one scanned the product and voila! there was another box of the item at the top of the shelving above the stocked product. i was thrilled, and they looked at me like i looked so happy, as if that was weird, lol. but i was that happy. 

along the way another adorable employee (genz) recommended a power drill and bits, and then later, when we were asking yet another employee (genx) where we could find regular (not construction) sand paper, she only thought she knew where it was, but then the adorable employee who recommended the power drill was standing right behind us and shouted, "Aisle 10."

we arrived at 5AM

and by 7:30AM

we had found our lumber

had it cut up

bought it and set up delivery

shopped for everything else we needed

and checked out for a second time

this time at regular check out

and one $640.01 business expense later

(both receipts totaled)

we were back on the bus with the stuff we bought that wasn't lumber

and we were very happy people

because one of the things that we have done

since the beginning of our life

together

is

make plans &execute them

we've done it a lot

and for a lot of various reasons

toward a lot of various ends

with a lot of various means

and

speaking for the both of us here

i can confidently say that this

making plans &executing them

is one of our favorite things to do

together

it is our Number One pastime

tote foesh

*big sigh*

and a few hours after arriving home

we were stuffing ourselves with a fresh pot of 불고기 전골

*drool*

Home Depot Day

[end note] here's the crazy part

when the bodybuddy/lifemate presented his financial presentation this year for last year, we realized that we have finally reached Max Q, which, in the financial freedom lingo that the two of us use, together, with each other, Max Q, for financial freedom, is the point at which you are probably working two (nearly) full-time jobs. you are still tied to your job, cause the financial footing is not firm; it's a bit wobbly, still, and so, job security is nice, but also, you might be starting a business, and that business, as it starts to require more of your time, will essentially force you into this state of perpetual jobbing/working ... Max Q. 

and then, arrives the sweet release of freedom, when you quit your dreadful job for either your own business or retirement, when the train has left the station, and you are literally orbiting the planet, earning returns at a rate faster than you can spend, lol. 

this is where i am, right now. 

facing my Max Q.

my only hope is that i can survive the weight of my own ambition.

She, Legend

there's this buddhist philosophy about the idea of 

non-attachment

impermanence

&it is the idea about which i write when i write about my

Theory of Too-Tightly 

the goal

in so many words

is to accept the constant "loss" of everything

the impermanence of Life

its fragility

its essence

its Truth

that ALL Life

ultimately

Dies

nobody 

and nothing

escapes this Life

ALIVE

&so

perhaps

to understand that Life

is but a Moment

is but a Means

&NOT the End

is to understand Life

itself

&i write about this idea

now

because i received another work of art

by none other than

Desi

&this time

it is

a painting

&the reason why i bring up these buddhist philosophies

is not because I am buddhist

[for i am not]

but rather

because there are a lot of psychological tools

that buddhism offers

that i find do truly lend a helping hand

at psychologically surviving

thereby physically surviving

thereby surviving

this thing

we all call

LIFE

&now

i am going to attempt to describe

what it is exactly

that made me realize

that Desi

ought-not be underestimated

&that

the person underestimating her the most

might possibly be

her own self

&so

i write

here's the thing that i know

that the rest of you who are reading this

do not know

and that thing is

the "how" about how these particular pieces of art

arrived to me

first

the [fifth] drawing [that she's given me]

arrived by mail

[the first four were delivered in person]

and was a total surprise

since the most-recent drawing [No. 05] arrived by mail

in a regular-ol envelope

wherein one would stuff

a tri-folded piece of eight-and-a-half-by-eleven

my first thought was that she had written me a letter

and i was thrilled

&then

i opened the thing

and found this drawing [No. 05]

folded in half

inside the envelope

i was floored

i was shocked

i cried

if i had drawn something so beautiful for someone

i would not have been able to simply

fold the thing in half

and drop it in the mail

in a regular-ol envelope

but she did

she drew a most-beautiful thing

and basically thought nothing of it

she draws so frequently with so much talent

that she almost thinks nothing of her talent

she even told me that she basically sketched the thing

in about an hour!

like nothing

and then she folded it in half

and popped it in the mail

can you imagine?

i bet you cannot

because most people do not possess

talent

such as this

so that's the first bit

being talented

in such a way

that you can produce works of art

like breathing

but then

there's the added layer of simply popping this talent-fueled work of art

in the mail

with no protection

in essence

no attachment

&then i received this painting

very recently

again

in the mail

wrapped in

what i would consider

not-enough protection

and yet

here it is

another talent-fueled work of art

that the artist

herself

simply put into the mail

again

with little protection

in essence

no attachment

*sigh*

i see this behavior of hers

as a level of consciousness

a level of psychological maturity

and a general awareness

about LIFE

that leaves me in a state of AWE

yes

sure

i look at all of these works of art

that have been gifted to me

over the years

[i do consider myself a collector, these days ;]

and yes

of course

they are beautiful

but the thing that makes me cry

is the beauty of her mind

the psychological weight

of her non-attachment

exterior proof

of an immensely deep interior Life

she is a true gift

to all of us humans

living among her

&i feel truly

truly lucky

to have bumped into her all those years ago

and to be witness

to the beauty of a Life

that just gets it

that just moves

with such beauty

such honesty

such non-attachment

Thank you

Desi

for continuing to teach me things

by being fiercely you

i love you lots

&i loved you first

She, Legend
[yes, the piece does not have a title, so i named it
&no, this is nota pic from the day it arrived]

&Dahling,
of course I LOOOOOOVE IT
&it will sit this close to me
atop my desk
until/unless
i find a better spot for it
but i doubt it