As a subscriber ... 2025 February & 'Winter'

Artforum February 2025

Vogue Winter 2025

thank god for chappell roan, amirite? both sides have, officially, crowned their respective clowns, lol.

white rice is just naked brown rice, stripped of its nutrients

most healthy egos understand that "the clown" is the egomaniac who wants to be the center of attention, like, ALL THE TIME, &so, it's interesting to have chosen "the clown" as your persona, but don't worry, you've all assured us that with this attention, you'll be a "good clown," the type that cares about all of the "friends" you made while you were a starving wannabe-famous content creator. 

grow the fuck up.

okay, fine, we all donate $25K to struggling music "artists," &then what? what about the struggling visual "artists" or struggling dance "artists"? 

okay, &then what?

you seem to think that you live in a world that you do not live in, &or you think that we should all be living in some world of your imagination, but you've imagined nothing beyond that which is self-serving.

it's one thing to want change; it's a whole other thing ... to create it. 

&like The brilliant Hollywood Reporter writer wrote, you're a dime a dozen; you fundamentally do not-understand the world in which you live; you fall into the camp of those who simply want to be seen as change-makers (how can you change a structure you do not understand?) as opposed to being change-makers. you're cosplaying activism. 

you are the embodiment of the antithesis of what we're striving for here ... as artists.

"esse quam videri"

like, first&foremost, you fundamentally do not understand that you are not an artist; you are a clown, figuratively, a content creator. you make things to attract the attention of others. you're not creative or clever or eccentric; you're a clown, literally. you're literally dressed up like a clown. through your sheer pursuit of being accepted into the industry, i.e. commercialized, you are a sell-out, a content creator, the opposite of an artist, like, fucking-duh. 

&what you want is for there to be some sort of support mechanism for wannabe-famous content creators?

&what you want is for that thing to be "free money"?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  

THERE IS A SUPPORT MECHANISM FOR ARTISTS ON THE RISE;

it's called a JOB!

some jobs, believe it or not, actually provide healthcare, btw. 

there is no "right" to be paid for your content; that's absolutely absurd. if you do get paid, great! if not, your rights are not being "taken away;" you are not a victim nor are you a catalyst. *iroll*

"But I just want my art to be my job!" 

THEN YOU'RE NOT MAKING ART ANYMORE, MORON!

[begin side note] 

i've been seeing a lot of social media posts lately from wannabe influencers who are striking a line like, "I told my followers to give me $3 or unfollow me. 80,000 people unfollowed," but how much money did you get?, and "Why are you following me without paying for my content? I post [free] videos all day long, but nobody pays me for them, and nobody buys my services," and "My business is going to close if people don't support my business."

first off, just like right off the bat, why do you think that you're entitled to be paid for content you post, for free, on the internet? this is just like so fucking confusing to me. i honestly cannot embody the mind-state required for this conclusion. if what you want is for your social media to be income-producing channels for capitalism, then you have to play by the rules of capitalism, and currently, these days, capitalism-as-usual on social media is being driven by an algorithm, gAI. thus, if you do not play by the gAI game, you will not win. if you don't know how to play the gAI game, you will not win. 

the "content creators" out there who think that they can some how make "art" and get noticed are kidding themselves. like i said, chappell took on the persona of a literal clown. in the "look-at-me" game, the fucking clown is always going to win, but like i also said, the clown requires an EGO of ungodly proportion, as we're witnessing IN REAL TIME, in the whitest of houses. 

second, i've spent a lot of money on a lot of [race-redacted] women on the internet. i've bought products, and i've bought services, and i've even just given straight-up cash. &honestly, i just haven't wanted to spend my money again for the same products &or services. i'm the toughest of consumers. &i have a budget. i would love to fold a [race-redacted]-owned product into my budget, but so far, i haven't found one i'd repeat-buy, Laurence Basse, the only one of the lot who had the good sense to "like" all of the posts i posted, for free, to promote her products on socials, excepted; i am already a repeat customer of hers, because i like her stuff, but the vast majority of her products are still #goals. 

that's capitalism.

&so, yea, i fully understand why all of these types of people loathe capitalism-as-usual so so much. trust me, i fucking get it. what you want is some parasitic fund that shells out cash to you for posting a post to social media, no matter the quality of the content. you want to create some sort of Union wherein you, like a parasite, suck money from those who generate capital so that you can be given those funds, like a parasite. you want to be financially supported because you want to be famous?

that's insane. 

like, you're proving that you know so little about money that nobody should even listen to you. you haven't thought of any solutions; your solution is CHARITY. you want to live off charitable donations? businesses fail every single day. bad businesses abound. bad music abounds. you cannot assume that your very first business is going to take off. you can't assume that your first song is going to take off. you can't even assume that, when you do make it as some "influencer" or "music artist," you will be able to be an "influencer" or a "music artist" for your entire working life.

what's next? when you've phased out, you're going to complain that your music isn't making you any money anymore, &so, you're going to want us to give you money because you were famous? oh my fucking god. like, seriously?

PARASITE! 

like, get it through your fucking heads. this is not a world wherein you're just given money, because you want it. if that's your approach to life, you're playing the lottery. you're not working hard, you're gambling.

third, i paid an aspiring influencer back in late 2023 to participate in a survey about financial literacy. we(the bodybuddy/lifemate&i)'ve learned that people do not like to talk about money, &so some poor people remain poor simply because they are unwilling to talk about money, &there's really no way to learn about money except through talking about it with someone who does know about money, but i also understand how risky it can be to talk to someone about money, especially if you fall into a group of historically, economically disenfranchised people, etc., and that's why we've learned that the best way to talk to people about money is by simply making available a set of questions. 

people seem more willing to teach themselves about money, but again, if you're poor, how do you even know what the questions are? &so, i essentially paid an aspiring influencer to participate in the questionnaire. i never even see the answers to the questions. their responses are not for me to then assess. the questions are for them to assess their own situations, &then, if they have any questions, i am available to them if they want my input, etc. the thing is, though, that the money also requires their active participation. i ask that after they complete the questionnaire for themselves they contact me to be surveyed about generalizations regarding the questionnaire. i do not ask specifics (like an income range), but rather, i ask more about how the person might feel about their income range, etc., &this person has yet to fulfill the survey portion of the questionnaire, &it is early 2025. not that i'm still open to receiving their survey responses, i'm not. i would be, but then they went on some rant about how they can see how some people used to interact with them, and now they don't. as if they didn't initiate the lack of interaction. as if they are owed something. bitch, i'm not white. bark up a different tree.

[end side note]

my point is that hoops are proving to be quite the hurdle among these types, &hoops are impossible for the majority of gen-z. they don't want hoops; they want free money. 

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! &they wonder why generation after generation of immigrants come through here and scoop up positions of power! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

like, what fucking planet did you grow up on?

but with an EGO as seriously fucking enormous as yours, i imagine that it was difficult to be dropped by your label, because you thought you were some pretty hot shit until you got dropped, &the thought of you having to go out there and get some job AFTER being signed to a label is just, like, not gonna cut it for that EGO of yours *barf* 

like, seriously, you fall into the cohort who thinks that the people who rise to the top didn't work their asses off to get there. sure, nepo-babies exist, &yea, they're soft as fuck (never sweat a nepo-baby, they never survive more than about two generations, if that), but everyone else, especially women (even nepo-baby women), worked their fucking asses off to get where they are, you better fucking believe.

the most ironic part is that YOU represent the person who did nothing to get to the top. you, literally, dressed up like The Clown, got everyone's attention, &then started saying even more attention-getting things, &now, while bringing ZERO SOLUTIONS to the table, you're so upset that nobody supported you. 

&so, when you go up onto a stage and declare that when you were young, you decided that you would be a "good god" &that you'd stick up for the little people once you were "above us," just like fucking listen to yourself. 

you're all EGO, kid.

&we've officially entered

Circa Clown

*laugh-cries*

*vomits*

Sailor's Log (final) Week Sixteen | Law School Application, Complete

week fourteen flew by in a blur. i, honestly, don't even remember the week. 

&then, monday happened, week fifteen, day two.

while we were commuting, by foot, home from our jobs, the bodybuddy/lifemate was punched in the face by a homeless person. the guy sucker punched him. he walked up behind him; i didn't realize the guy was up to no good, until it was too late, &when the bodybuddy/lifemate turned to look in the direction i was directing him toward, the guy clocked the bodybuddy/lifemate in the face. he's fine. the inside of his lower lip was busted up enough to bleed, &then it became a whole thing with the police. the only other thing i will say on the matter is that a burly bystander, when hearing my plea to the gas station attendant to, "please call the police," ran right over to the guy and contained him until the police showed up. i skipped jobbing on tuesday.

i've traveled the world, literally, since i was three (two months shy of four) years old.

i've been lucky.

&it was strange to have a thing that like happen to us, here, but it was unsurprising, since we have lived here long enough to not-be surprised by something like this, &c. 

it was during week fifteen that i had planned to poop out all of the writing that i needed to finish up the law school application, but i decided to tend to the bodybuddy/lifemate instead. it's an interesting situation, because he's a white guy, and we've lived here, like i've said, long enough to know what that means, here. he's been mulling the idea of maybe finding a job in whatever "solving homelessness" is called. he's been seriously considering homelessness, a lot, since we've moved here. 

sometimes a cold, hard awakening is the right kind of awakening

so the end of this thing really came down to the wire on saturday, the last day of week fifteen. 

i sat down at my computer and pooped out all of the in-application questions i needed to answer.

i answered "yes," on two questions, and thusly had to explain myself, &c. 

&then, sunday, week sixteen, day one, i finally fucking pooped out my personal statement and resume *barf*

&it was at the completion of all of these pieces of writing when i realized why i had not been able to poop out another draft of my personal statement, here, on this site. what i realized is that i had to utilize the four pieces of writing to sketch out one larger story, and so, my mind had been chewing on what that story is/should be within the context of applying to law school. 

what my mind revealed to me was, again, my purpose, my reason for even going to law school.

&what is that reason?

in short, i've experienced an extreme amount of experiences for the average person, and these experiences have given me a perspective on life &living that is not the same perspective as those most-common perspectives around us. these experiences have also instilled in me this idea that i should do things for others. i have a long history of volunteering my time. i also have a long history of hourly-wage labor. 

i've jobbed at three companies in two different locations; meaning, i've jobbed for a company and then transferred, within that company, to a different location, three times.

i'm also a dancer, artist, and writer.

the thing i realized i was back-burning was a cohesive story of my life (as if) with the four different areas where i have the opportunity to write. 

&so i did. 

&since i don't know where "the line" is with regards to the university's stance on sharing specific application questions, i can't just upload my personal statement, solo. it wouldn't make much sense. i mean, maybe it would, but i think that it wouldn't be read "correctly" without being able to read my entire application, in whole. my resume, however, is basically already uploaded here. i don't outline my specific odd jobs in that timeline, but maybe i should?

&so, all of the shit for the application was "complete" on sunday, the first day of week sixteen, &then i went to my fucking job for monday. 

on monday morning, after jobbing all night, the bodybuddy/lifemate helped me proofread all of the writing portions, &we read &reread the thing, like, as many times as it took until i quit &said, "Enough! There's nothing more I can do!" i uploaded the required documents, paid the fees,

&there's nothing more anti-climatic than submitting something really serious online. 

that was it. 

it was done.

i barely survived tuesday, &then, while at my job on wednesday, i checked my email around 0530 and saw an 0400 email announcing that the LSAT scores were released. i, obviously, didn't check at my job, &so, when i got home, i couldn't check, for like a few hours. i just couldn't. i just didn't want to know, but i had to confirm that all of the finalized reporting went through &that my application was complete. 

as soon as i logged in, my score was right on the landing page. 

the reason why i crammed the LSAT in so soon was simply so that i could apply by the "Priority Deadline," so that i could be considered for merit-based scholarships, because my GPA (supposedly) qualifies me for some merit-based scholarships but only in conjunction with a high LSAT score. 

i decided before i looked at my score whether or not i would share my score online. i ultimately decided that if i got a "bad" score, i wouldn't want to share it, which means that if i got a "good" score, i shouldn't share it either. if i got a "good" score, i would want to share it, then i would have to share a "bad" score, too. 

i opted for the not-sharing option. 

if you've started to tune into this here broadcast just to find out my LSAT score, you can go fuck yourself. 

i will say this, however, i knew it would be a long shot for me to get a high LSAT score. i did not do well enough for any merit-based scholarships. &i constantly have to remind myself that i am a full-time overnight manager for a 24-hour grocery store. i had planned on simply applying by the official may deadline, but with the opportunity of a merit-based scholarship, i pushed it. if i had waited until may, i also wouldn't have received a merit-based scholarship, because the deadline would've passed, and so, i had to make a decision. i could study a few more months and probably get a higher LSAT score, but miss the scholarship deadline, or i could risk a lower score to rush-study before the deadline.

either way, it looks like the merit-based scholarship is not for me *weeps* 

all of the other aspects of my application were done, over a decade ago. aside from my letter of recommendation from my current boss, everything on my application i did fifteen years ago, including the letter of recommendation from my past professor and past camp coordinator when i was a volunteer counselor for korean heritage camp. 

i realized that, since i couldn't care less (generally speaking) about standardized testing, was working on an eight-week timeline, while jobbing full-time, i had a ceiling for my test score. thus, my personal statement needed to cover a lot of ground. i needed to flesh out what i've been up to for the past decade, but it's a lot of stuff, &so, organizing it all seemed to be the hardest part of it, after all. luckily it all congealed into a nice solid shit on time *lifts left eyebrow* 

to dig up my entire life to present it to be judged by a committee approving me for some thing

*vomits*

anyway, i confirmed, on wednesday, that my application was complete, and that was that. 

i guess that this particular volume of logs is officially complete as well. 

i imagine that the post about whether or not i will be attending law school in the fall will be a thing of its own.

&so, until then, sail on *peace*

ordered some loose-leaf tea from an instagram friend's new business
*swoon*
for myself & a cojobber
i placed the order sometime last week
&it arrived on tuesday
like a present

Withstanding the crushing weight of my own ambition is torture, psychologically speaking.

When
canon eos 4000d w/prime lens
shot in color, black&white in-camera filter applied

Uh, yea, you're goddamn fucking right I have POWER, &lots of it, &if you think that POWER is BESTOWED &that you can somehow waltz in here &we will all acknowledge you as some power-filled entity, &you attempt to wield your non-existent power, think again. This POWER of MINE that you see all over ME is MINE; I earned it, &MY POWER is NON-TRANSFERABLE #facts

On Power

[paraphrased&translated]

"If your technique isn't flawless, you have no technique." —안성재

 

i hope that i can meet this chef someday. his entire approach and mentality throughout the show was just in so much alignment with the way that i think about things, and it made me so happy. mostly, however, i was fascinated by his take on the idea of Korean food.

he bitch-slapped Edward Lee's bibimbap, with good reason, imho. 

to me, 안성재 has a mentality about Korean food that is something like this, "There's no need to 'elevate' Korean food. Korean food is perfect. The way that you 'elevate' Korean food is by understanding where each and every dish comes from within the country. If you understand where the dish emerged, then you will understand why the dish exists, and only through this understanding will you then understand that the most 'elevated' version of any Korean dish is the one that uses ingredients from the location from where the dish emerged." 

안성재 is flexing Korean Power, &i'm all for it. he also doesn't seem to be against fusion, obviously, but don't call it by its Korean dish name, call it something else.

On Unearned Power

i've been mulling the idea of power, for the past week or so, due to a switch up in management at my current place of exploitment, i mean exploitment, dammit, employment. &let's just say that i learned that i am actually far more powerful than i realized, &it's all thanks to my team of taggers. obviously, i cannot be too detailed, at this time, as i am currently jobbing there, &so, i am not interested in "taking anyone down," etc. i'll just say that one of the switch ups came into the store, guns blazing, as if we all needed to be shipped into shape, etc., only to learn that the ship is in shape, &instead of hopping on board, this newbie pinpointed the "person in charge" &for one whole week (technically they've been there for two weeks, but i was away their first week) the one newbie did nothing but try to stir social division throughout the overnight crew by complaining about the way that the "person in charge" has the overnight crew setup and organized, etc. *iroll* each one of these people came to me directly to report on what the newbie was complaining about, because the newbie was complaining about me. 

honestly, i didn't know i was "in charge," &so i did nothing about the newbie, business as usual. clock in, do your job, do it right, and clock out. i heard all of the gossip, but the newbie never said anything to my face, so what was i supposed to do? some personalities are prickly, but if the person is good at the job, what's the problem? i wasn't about to stoop to the newbie's level and complain about the gossip, &so i had nothing to complain about until a tag was moved. it's a process that i can't technically go over, here, cause it's, like, my job, so the actual how-to of my job duties are probably, like, my employer's IP, etc., but i knew exactly who did it, because i know, &so, i made a simple statement about the moved tag to one of the higher-ups, &when i came in on friday, the newbie was clocking out as i clocked in. 

i'll give the newbie one thing, pinpointing power is not always easy, especially in a mixed-power setting, but this newbie targeted me on day one, bravo/a *laugh-cry*

my point is that in most jobplaces the jobbers decide who is in power. sure there is a definitive hierarchy, in most jobplaces, but most people have an interior power structure even as they acknowledge the exterior power structure. i've been an hourly-wage jobber for my entire jobbing career. this is my first job as a manager, &so i know. as an hourly-wage laborer we are the ones who decide, internally, who the "real leader" is, despite whoever the manager-in-title might be.

my biggest gripe about the newbie is that i knew, from the moment i met them, that they had a lot to prove. i was more than ready to give them the space to do just that, but if you're going to come into my jobplace and try to disrupt the no-assholes/no-fools vibe that's been cultivated over the past year and a half i've been in the position, then what the fuck is wrong with you? we all job here, together, every single fucking day. why are you trying to make enemies? &so, really, i feel really lucky right now to be jobbing in a jobplace among other jobbers who didn't take the newbie's bait. the newbie was unsuccessful at dividing us, &in my book, that's a win. 

of course, the newbie could still return to the nightcrew; i don't know the details of their schedule, etc., but i doubt that they'll be back unless or until they can get on board the ship that's currently sailing.

 

On Earned Power 

—"cross me, please"

i am eagerly anticipating JENNIIE's new studio album, RUBY. 

when you travel the world, as an elite, &you realize that you actually are The Shit, by, like, a mile, you change, &instead of trying to be part of the world, like you thought you wanted to be, you decide that you want to Rule the World *cheers*

You were a Famous X, Y, or Z Person; you were beautiful; you were the best; you were on Top of the World, &then you 'aged-out,' so we retired you to the Pastures of Social Media [good thing you 'cultivated' *barf* a 'following' while still famous, phew!], &from there, you may remain 'relevant' to the 'masses,' &continue to live off our attention, &you need our attention, not only for your Ego's own sake but also, for the sake of your own financial well being, &that's just like so gross, &sad; it's also how we know that you're bad with money. You were Rich, because you were Famous [we saw the mansions!]! &yet, here you are, debasing yourself for money, on the internet. Why? You have to; you need the money. *frowny face*

Sailor's Log Law School Application | Heavy-Holiday Weeks Ten&Eleven, Prep-Week Twelve, &Test Week Thirteen, &when I lament to the bodybuddy/lifemate wondering, 'Why am I such a late bloomer?!?' the bodybuddy/lifemate responds, 'You're not a late bloomer. You're blooming again. You bloomed early, remember, everyone saw &wanted a piece of you, &you were like, "No. Nobody gets this bloom," dropped your petals &traveled the world.'

The last log ended near the beginning of Week Ten, and we are now at the beginning of Week Fourteen.

Weeks Ten and Eleven saw job-heavy demands. My job revolves around a weekly set of events, and since the week of christmas landed on a typical ad-day, the ad-day was moved from Wednesday to Thursday, my study day. The bodybuddy/lifemate&i worked the week of christmas together (he had tuesday off, like usual, and i took tuesday off, and he added a day, so we both jobbed a four-day week that week, and with the way that our pay works for holidays, we got some monstrous paychecks for that week of jobbing). Anyway, there's nothing terribly notable during this week since I had to fit in studying whenever I could, which was on Tuesday (xmas eve) and the weekend. Week Eleven was similar in that Wednesday was New Year's Day, and apparently, New Year's is not a holiday that an employee can demand to have off, and so, since the ad-change happened on New Year's Day, I had to job. The first ad-change of every month is also the most enormous ad-change of the month, and the first ad-change of the year is the most enormous of all of the enormous ad-changes. Not only that, I was down a person for that most-enormous ad-change day. Thus, the bodybuddy/lifemate&i worked our little asses off, and he got some overtime. Again, another monstrous check, very little time to fit in studying, but fit it in I did. 

Week Eleven was also when I took a third full practice test in exam mode. I got the same exact score, again, for a second time (test two saw a one-point drop). The odd thing about this one, however, is that my raw score (the number of questions i answered correctly) was one point fewer than the other two practice tests. I also finished up most of the lessons. I left myself a handful of lessons and a handful of drills for Test Week, and by the time Week Twelve rolled around, I was focused solely on the argumentative writing portion of the test.

Week Twelve was when the argumentative writing portion of the test became available, and so, I ran through the ONE practice test available on LawHub on the first day of Week Twelve. This portion of the test is not-scored, and so, the practice also left me with little to no sense of how "well" I did, but by doing the practice, I familiarized myself with what was going to happen when I sat down to complete this writing sample, and so, from my point of view, it seems to me as if LawHub (and thereby LSAC) is/was communicating to me that the one practice "test" is all one needs to get the gist of this portion of the test, etc. The argumentative writing, or writing sample, portion of the LSAT is very straightforward, but it is also very open-ended. In my mind, there is little to nothing a person can do to prepare for the writing sample in a few weeks. The point, in my opinion, is to find out how much time a prospective law student spends writing. If one spends a lot of time writing, this portion ought to be a breeze, theoretically. If one does not spend a lot of time writing, this reality will be utterly apparent, etc. I, obviously, spend a lot of time writing, and so, I was not nervous or worried about writing a writing sample. 

All of Week Twelve's mind-space was filled with focusing on writing. I didn't work any LSAT drills or lessons. I rested my mind as much as I could, worked it in different ways, namely ways that were not-writing, and I discussed various strategies for the writing sample with the bodybuddy/lifemate. We threw a few ideas around, but ultimately, I decided that writing is, quite literally, something I do every single day. There's really nothing more that I can do to prepare. So the focus became about clarity. I really needed to make sure that I didn't just ramble, like usual. I needed to make a point and then support it. If, like I oftentimes do, I come to some different conclusion than the initial statement I make at the opening of the argument, then I really needed to remember to go back to the opening paragraph and make sure I word the conclusion in the same way that I eventually conclude, etc. 

In essence, do my thing, but then make sure the opening conclusion and my final conclusion match.

The most difficult part of this portion of the LSAT, for me, was finding an approved space. I knew my apartment would not be an approved space, and so, we started searching for a coworking space around town, and we toured a place all the way back in Week 8. After fretting for a few weeks, I outlined my plan for what would become Test Week, Week Thirteen. I had to also juggle my jobbing schedule to create this plan, but sure enough, a plan surfaced, and I went with it.

We booked a day pass for the first day of Week Thirteen (sunday), and on that day, we went to the place, and I completed and submitted my writing sample. The next day (monday), I was notified that my writing sample was approved by LSAC, which means that the space that we booked was an approved space for the argumentative writing portion of the January 2025 LSAT, just fyi, and near the end of Week Thirteen, I would sit for the LSAT at an in-person testing center. [added 22jan25 ... the bodybuddy/lifemate reminded me of the thing that happened the morning of the argumentative writing, when we were deciding whether or not i should wear my glasses. we decided that i should wear my contacts, because it's just one less thing to think about, &then, i decided that i'd open a new pair of contacts. it was the perfect decision, except that i already had my "eyes" in, &so, when i went to put in my new pair, i put them on on top of the pair i had already put in for the day, &when i blinked, i could hardly see at all. i freaked the fuck out. i couldn't figure out what was happening; i even opened another right lens. eventually, i took them out, &was shocked when i could see, &it was at this moment that the bodybuddy/lifemate sat me down for some breathing exercises before we trotted off to the coworking space where i would write my writing sample.]

Monday I studied for most of the night, reverting my mind back to the LSAT, and then, near the end of the bodybuddy/lifemate's shift, I walked to the job and jobbed about ninety minutes (I have managerial duties that I didn't want to push onto my deputy if I didn't have to), and then we left together. That morning we had planned on doing a dry run of the walk to the testing center, but we also wanted to swing by the beach, and after walking the beach, we were too relaxed to do the full walk, so we walked to a grocery store that's about halfway to the testing center, bought up some charcuterie stuffs and headed back home.

Tuesday I finished up all of the lessons on LawHub, and around 0600 (inching closer and closer to Test Day's test time), I took my fourth and final full practice test in exam mode. For all of the first three practice tests (all taken in exam mode), I got the same score (not the exact same score: the first test i got a score, the second test i got a score one point lower than the first test and then the third test was the exact same score as the first test) despite having three different raw scores. For the fourth test, I finally answered four more questions correctly than my best raw score and had a score three points higher than my past top score. After taking that final practice test, we did a dry run of the walk to the testing center. Took us about an hour. We found the building, found the suite, and found the nearest bathroom. The bathroom was locked, so then we knew that would be the only thing I'd need to find out on Test Day (along with the question about pencils). 

Wednesday I took a little break from studying because I had to go to my fucking job. My job duties include something called ad-day, and Wednesday is ad-day. The job load of ad-day is such that I have to schedule between two and four extra grocery clerks to help out. And so, I don't like to leave my team hanging, so I went in to help out, and they all looked at me like I was crazy. I quickly realized that they are more than capable of handling an ad-day without me. And now I know this for a fact, and now I will take a vacation soon. So it was a short day. I was able to get in and out of there in a half shift, and I am glad that I went in, cause even though it was manageable for my team, I still worked four hours. They were all going to finish early, so if I hadn't shown up, they would've simply used up all their time doing ad-stuff, but instead, they probably had to go back to grocery for a few hours at the end of their shifts, which totally sucks. So, sorry?

Thursday was LSAT Eve. The bodybuddy/lifemate and I went for our run loop on the beach, and it was fantastic. We made and ate an enormous, delicious salad. Actually, we ate really well for the entire week of Test Week (all part of the plan). It's exhausting to live your best life, lemme tell ya. You have to eat well, drink plenty of water, get lots of rest, exercise, stretch, breathe, stay focused and diligent, etc., etc., etc. We were able to keep up the necessary diligence for the week and so, ate well, slept well, etc., etc., etc. The other thing we had to do was slowly creep later and later into the day. I scheduled the earliest possible test time, 0800. Ideally, I would've tested at 0300, but that wasn't an option unless I wanted to test remotely, which I did not, so, 0800 it was. As a night-jobber, my day ends around 0700, which means that if you're a day-walker, imagine working your whole shift and then taking the LSAT at 2000. On the Friday the week before, we began staying up as late as possible. By the time Thursday rolled around, I was up until about 1500. Earlier in the morning, around 0800, I completed the last of the drills on LawHub. I saved myself four short drills to do on this day, the day before the LSAT. I performed as expected on the first three ... now a few more than a few more than half. Feeling good. Right on track. Solid. Consistent. And then, I finished the fourth, last drill of all of the drills, and submitted my answers. "Oh my god," I whisper shouted at my computer, the bodybuddy/lifemate in the kitchen, "What! What's wrong?" "I just finished my last drill. Like, my last last drill," I shout. "Yea, and?" he asks. "I only missed one." 

Friday was Test Day. We walked out to the testing center, and I took the January 2025 LSAT. I had absolutely no idea how I might've done as I was exiting the testing center. When I found the bodybuddy/lifemate in the building's lobby, the first thing I told him was that the first part seemed too hard and the last part seemed too easy. I had no idea how I did. Then we walked home. I was wired. I was too tired to go out or celebrate or do anything, so we just chilled at home, but I was wired. I had ramped my mind into fifth gear (a gear my brain hasn't seen in well over a decade), and it was taking a long time to come down. I ended up finally passing out at some point in the early afternoon, but then ultimately did not sleep well. On Friday night, I woke up to be at my job by midnight.

Saturday was a blur. I jobbed a half shift, and felt like I had been beaten to a pulp. I have no idea why my physical body felt so beat up. My brain was, obviously, complete mush, but that was to be expected. Why my body also felt so physically beaten was beyond me. That night, I finally got the sleep that I wanted, and I woke up sometime around midnight on Sunday. 

Sunday was the first day of Week Fourteen. 

Another notable thing happened before Test Day. LSAC is the service that verifies all of your credentials, and then, once verified, all of your credentials are made available as a report that can be sent to whatever school(s) you apply to, etc. The various credentials that are verified are your transcripts, letters of recommendation, and the LSAT (including the writing sample). The first thing I did was have my transcripts verified. All three were approved the week I officially joined LSAC, and it was a breeze of a streamlined process. I also submitted my two letter writers that same week. I reached out to a past professor before officially beginning the process (decisions), and amazingly enough, he said that he'd do it. My current boss was Letter Two. My boss submitted his letter all the way back in Week 4. Around Thanksgiving I thought of a third letter writer, because I was feeling nervous about Letter One, my past professor, and so I emailed the person I thought of for Letter Three. He also said that he was willing and able, and then a bit of communication got mixed, but then it got worked out, and he submitted Letter Three at the beginning of Week Twelve. I had to let Letter One go. I was starting to stress and felt like it just might not happen. I pushed it from my mind. After I take the test, I thought to myself, next Monday, I'll email my professor again. 

Come LSAT Eve, I check my email to make sure I have all of the information I need for LSAT Day, and sitting right at the top of my inbox is an email from LSAC confirming their receipt of Letter One. I cried. I only need two letters to apply (the school accepts up to three), and so, my third letter writer had already settled all of my nerves about the letters, in general, but now, I have three letters. I have one professional letter, one academic letter and one letter that has nothing to do with either of those things. 

On LSAT Eve, everything processed by the LSAC process was completed except the only part that was all on me. And now, I am completely finished with the LSAC process. Obviously, something could "go wrong" with the test or whatnot, but as far as I know, I did it. It's done. All there is left to do is to answer a handful of questions on the school's specific application and tap out a resume *barf* I fucking hate writing resumes. Ugh. 

She cheated; she did the work and studied!*

I had other plans for this writing today, but then, I woke up consumed with the "event" that happened to me literally seconds before I stepped into a secured testing room to take the January 2025 LSAT. 

I know how this whole thing is going to sound if you're White, Woke-white, and Not-White. Mostly, it will sound like an excuse, some "out" for whatever my test score ends up being. I will not know my test score until the score is released on the release date, at which point the school I hope to attend will also know. Thus, at this time, I do not know my LSAT score. I have no idea what it even might be. And so, my telling of this story is not intended as an excuse for whatever outcome comes. My relaying of the thing that happened to me is for everyone out there who looks just like me, namely, youngish (under forty, although, I am only barely under forty), asian, female, women, living in These United States. And if you think that I'm somehow happy to have had this experience to write about and share to this fucking website, please, as kindly as you can to yourself, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

What happened to me, literally, as I was walking to be wanded (metal-detected) before entering a secured testing facility to take the January 2025 LSAT was a microaggression brought upon me by the ONLY WHITE WOMAN OVER THE AGE OF THIRTY IN THE ENTIRE FACILITY. To be fair, she looked totally torn up about the situation after it was realized. Nevertheless, the thing happened, and then I walked into a secured testing facility and took the LSAT. 

First off, if you've never tested in a testing facility, then you're going to have to use your imagination. If you have tested in a testing facility, then you're probably familiar with the testing-proctor Prometric. We, the bodybuddy/lifemate&i, were familiar with Prometric, because the bodybuddy/lifemate, back during the happy-covid times, took the CFA Level 1 test at a Prometric testing center in Longmont. He described it to me back then, and we never thought of it again, until, literally, two months ago when I started all this nonsense. 

I was excited that I could take the test in-person at a testing facility. I knew what to expect, and I was prepared.

The thing about these testing facilities is security. They MUST be able to assure their clients that all of these tests are taken by the people who say they are taking it, that nobody cheated, etc., etc., etc. And so, everyone checks in with an ID, signs stuff, and is assigned a locker. I was the first person to check in that day (even after going to the bathroom before checking in), and the older white woman was the first person I saw, and then a younger asian-looking woman saw me and walked toward the check-in desk. I'm not going to lie, I felt an immense feeling of relief. I informed her that I was taking the LSAT but wondered if I could use the bathroom really quick before I check in. The younger asian woman smiled at me, and said, of course. I did not have to enter the secured area of the testing facility to use the bathroom.

We don't have a car. We could've used the bus system, easily, but I walk my ass to my job every night, and it wakes me the fuck up, so we walked. We walked to the testing center from our apartment. We walked for about an hour. I had to pee real bad. I was nervous as fuck, and I had a plan for test week, and we were following the plan. I had a plan for Test Day, and we were following the plan. We even knew that we'd arrive at Menstruation Station on Test Day. (I went to bed last night thinking that I was going to write a whole post about the final weeks leading up to Test Day, and detail every day of test week, but then I woke up needing to write about this, and so, that post will have to wait, but it will be written.) 

I had to pee, and I just had to start late. Please! For the love of Ladybug, please just let this be a cycle that starts LATE! Or EARLY! Just, like, please not on time. PLEASE! Come Test Day, I hadn't started, and luckily, I did not start that day. I share this because I find GenZ to be inspiring in this way. I also share to really flesh out the full complexity of my mind-state as I sat for the fucking January 2025 LSAT! Fuck! How we can even hope to compare the test scores of men and women is fucking laughable to me! Fuck you!

Anyway, everything was going great, in that department. I peed, then checked in. 

Like I said, I saw the white lady, and I couldn't pinpoint her purpose, so I pushed her from my mind, like everyone else in the facility, and prepared myself for the test. 

Fifteen minutes before test time, I went to the bathroom one last time. I really didn't want to have to go during the test, obviously. So, I went one last time, composed myself, and got in line to be wanded. As I was walking to get in line, the white lady approached me, and said something to the effect of, "Oh, hi, so I will be your proctor today, and you've got this nice private room all to yourself." My mind was in fifth gear. I was mentally prepared to take the fucking LSAT. I saw everything, and the first thing I saw was the paper in her hand, and I caught a glimpse of the name on the sheet of paper. I told the white lady, "Oh, I'm not taking a paper test," to which she responded, "Oh, I know." And then I knew this white lady was confused. I immediately removed her from my mind as the young asian woman called me in to get wanded. The white lady followed next to me and the young asian woman said, "Oh, no, this isn't her." The white lady looked horrified, and I was in no state to console her. I brushed off the entirety of the situation as the young asian woman walked me through the rest of the process, and then through the doors into the secure testing room, where she showed me my desk, and told me what to do. 

&then, I took the fucking January 2025 LSAT.

Greatness is not a flex
Being Great is Who You Are

If you have no idea what I went through this day, consider yourself white, of some variety. The reason, from my perspective, the interaction is considered a microaggression is because, sure, maybe the white lady mixes up all people. Maybe she's just old and she mixes up white people, too, and sure, white people do get mixed up, but it's not a joke like it is to mix up asian people. It's true. We do all look alike, IF YOU DO NOT KNOW MORE THAN ONE ASIAN. 

Here's the thing: I fucking live in fucking Honolulu, Hawai'i. Hawai'i is a state with a population that is MAJORITY ASIAN, and the ONE WHITE LADY OVER THE AGE OF THIRTY that I had to interact with on this day mixed me up with another asian. The only solace I've been able to find is in the fact that I glimpsed the name on the paper, and the person in question is a korean woman, or at least, a woman of korean descent. (i didn't see the first name, and since we all checked-in in an area where we could easily overhear each other's names, i do not feel that it's an issue that i saw her last name.) Also, fun fact, I saw about a dozen other test takers that day. Two were male asians, and one was a white female. ALL OTHERS WERE ASIAN WOMEN UNDER FORTY; my comrades in arms! 

White people are relentless!

Even in a state with a majority asian population, whiteness can still attack us in the most unlikely of ways. 

In the end, I feel no spiteful feelings toward that white lady. She looked so distraught the other couple times I saw her throughout the test, and she was smart enough not to open her mouth at me, even though she was staring. I could feel her sending me good vibes, so that was alright. She wasn't trying to tear me down or sabotage me. I'd be a complete narcissist if I thought that. I also wouldn't have been able to push her from my mind so effectively if I thought she was personally attacking me. Her problems have nothing to do with me. I'm just collateral damage of her whiteness. Par for the course. I also have no desire to report her in any official way, because it's possible that she helped me out by lighting me on fire.

This is all rumination after the fact.

She reminded me why I was there. She represented everything that I'm fighting against and for all at the same time. She forced me to remember why I was even doing this.

I'm joining the fight. 

And honestly, I think I'm going to Rule the World some day. 

*it is my hope, my one true wish, that if you are a hot, high-achieving asian female who grew up in america, you maybe have not heard these exact words accusing you of your greatness, but you have experienced and do understand words that have induced this analogous feeling, and if my hope and wish is true, then i'm here to remind you that fulfilling your greatness is not some flex or brag, it is you being YOU, and it is my opinion that if someone doesn't like this or has to tear you down, they're proving you correct, and no, nobody really gets to go along with you, but we will all hopefully find each other along the way or at our pinnacles. *sail on*

[end note added 22jan25] i woke up this night with the realization about what the most annoying thing about this old white lady is/was, and that annoying thing is that ALL of this could've been respectfully avoided if she had just fucking verified by identity, but that is not the White-Way, for the White-Way is paved by Supremacy and the idea that being White makes you "all-knowing" *vomits*

re January 2025 LSAT (law school admission test) Eve &the DAY-OF (after the fact) #sailorsphlog

*

this was me
minutes after finishing the January 2025 LSAT
in-person at a testing center
i was totally shook immediately after the test
so the bodybuddy/lifemate gently pushed me through 파리바게뜨
where we got some stuff
&then we looped back around to the front courtyard-esque area in front of the building
in which i took the January 2025 LSAT
&this is how i felt at that moment
&even as the bodybuddy/lifemate was trying to
"turn that frown upside-down"
he snapped this pic
&i am so happy
i love this portrait of myself
it's perfect
for reasons that i will eventually cover in a sailor's log post
that i will hopefully have the energy for
in the very-near future
*peace*

*about a week ago, this "dead" plant revealed itself to be alive, not-dead, &the leaf fully unfurled on LSAT Eve.

LSAT Part One: Done

there are two parts to the LSAT
&there are explicit guidelines
about how one ought not share any detailed information
about this portion of the test
(or any portion of the test, really)
&so, i shan't
&since i'm not entirely sure where the line is
i've decided not to share anything at all
aside from these pics i snapped when it was all said &done
#sundayfunday

[updated 14jan25 | this portion of the LSAT has been approved
as of 13jan25]