21st Century and Human
By Marx and Engels
[BLACK SCREEN]
A coffee pot hisses; cabinets open and close; heavy ceramic breaks; sweeping
GUEST 2
[to self]
Fuck.
DOG (outside back of house)
[throaty, aggressive]
Arf arf.
INT. BREAKFAST NOOK — EARLY MORNING
[One long-take; static]
GUEST 1 is sitting in direct sunlight at disheveled table while reading.
GUEST 2 walks into frame, a cup of coffee in each hand.
GUEST 2 sets one cup in front of GUEST 1, sits at table next to GUEST 1, starts reading.
GUEST 1 deeply inhales coffee, returns to book.
GUEST 1
Oooo, our Starbucks days. I bet these aren’t Starbucks beans, though.
GUEST 2
They’re not. They’re something much more expensive.
GUEST 1
Figures.
Heavy thuds on wood.
GUEST 1 looks off screen.
GUEST 1
Hey! Morning!
A liquid pours into a vessel; glass scrapes metal; heavy thuds on wood.
HOST (off camera)
You crazy kids get some sleep last night?
GUEST 2 looks off screen with GUEST 1.
GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 (in unison)
Yea, it’s real warm down there.
GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 look at each other lustfully and giggle.
HOST (off camera)
Well, I’m real happy for you two.
GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 return their attention to HOST.
GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 (in unison)
Yea, we’re real happy for us, too.
GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 giggle, settle into books.
HOST washes dishes, begins preparing breakfast off screen.
HOST saunters into frame, holding coffee, smiling.
HOST
You guys want some bacon?
GUEST 1
[raises hand]
Yes, please!
HOST
How …
GUEST 1
[shouts]
Four!
HOST looks at GUEST 2 as GUEST 2 holds up two fingers, eyes on book.
HOST moonwalks badly out of frame back into kitchen.
GUEST 1
[loudly to reach kitchen]
Hey! Can I ask you something?
HOST
Uh, depends.
GUEST 1
You don’t do Starbucks beans, anymore, so does that mean you don’t do Starbucks at all now, since, like?
HOST
Since that bitch fired me?
GUEST 1
Yea.
HOST
Hell, no.
GUEST 1
Yea, I get it. What even happened there?
HOST
I was the one who got us to number one during the promotion, and then she fired me right before we got the bonus for winning.
GUEST 1
Did she tell you why?
HOST
No!
GUEST 1
How do you know that you were the reason why we won?
HOST
Cause she told me.
GUEST 1
Oh. You sold a lot of Via, then?
HOST
Yea, right. Nobody bought that shit, but it was the same exact price as a tall coffee, so anyone who ordered a tall, I’d ring up as Via.
GUEST 2
[quotes Oscar from The Office]
“That’s something we in the industry like to refer to as ‘misleading the shareholders,’ also known as ‘fraud’.”
HOST inches partially into frame.
HOST
What?
GUEST 1
You committed fraud.
HOST
How?
GUEST 1
Customers ordered one product, but you told the company that they were buying a different product.
HOST
But they’re the same exact price.
GUEST 1
But the receipt says they bought Via, but they ordered brewed.
HOST
I don’t see how that’s a problem. Two-fifty is two-fifty.
GUEST 1
Yea, but it was a promotional contest for Via, specifically.
HOST
Yea, so we were trying to sell the most Via. It was right there. I figured out that the price was exactly the same as a tall brew, so I’d charge for a Via, and we won.
GUEST 1
Yea, off fake sales.
HOST
No, everyone paid the same price for a tall. Nobody noticed.
GUEST 1
Well, somebody noticed.
HOST
Who? That bitch, the manager who fired me? She turned me in?
GUEST 1
Well …
DOG bursts into frame, jumps on HOST, HOST rushes out of frame with DOG.
GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 watch HOST and DOG leave in a scurry, return to reading.
GUEST 1 and GUEST 2 read for forty-five minutes.
INT. BREAKFAST NOOK — NOON
[BLACK SCREEN]
DOG (outside front of house)
[throaty, aggressive]
Arf arf.