it is only half-true that i am "procrastinating." one half is that i am procrastinating, because he's right, i never get to procrastinate, these days, with ... everything, etc. the other half is that i have two different types of writings vying for my attention: some nonfiction regarding NOODIVERSITY &FREEDOM and a sailor's log, and for some reason i've been thinking in my mind that these two things cannot be in the same writing/post, etc., but now i've realized, like, whatever; i can do whatever the fuck i want (in this regard), and if you don't like it, fuck off, which brings me to the first sorta thing i wanna tackle with my mind and my words:
Have to
and Supposed to
i'm approaching (porn has sorta ruined this word for me, lol) an age that is bringing me a lot of new freedoms, and with "&FREEDOM" in mind, i am finding this new-reality of aging brings along with it a whole lotta new-found freedoms.
the ideas of "have to" and "supposed to" are becoming more clearly defined. i can more-clearly sort through what sorts of things "must be done" and thusly, need to be done and what sorts of things are "supposed to be done" but that don't necessarily need to be done. in other words, i am both more able and more confident in my ability to determine that which is "important," from my point of view, obviously, this is all about me, after all (and if you don't like it, yes, that's right, fuck off). if you want it to be about you start writing and point me in your direction; it's easy.
what was i saying? fuck.
yes, yes, that which you "have to" versus are "supposed to." it's a tricky thing, parsing the two, when you're "young and dumb and full of cum" (as bill maher [we'll talk about him later] likes to say), because you're both discovering the world, at large, and yourself, specifically, and since very few people actually develop quickly, it takes a beat to figure all of this "life" stuff out, and as we sail on toward the middle of this first century of this "new" millennium, life is only becoming more and more complicated, which means that the maturation time for We, Humans, is going to become longer and longer, because there's simply so much that one must "know" in order to live "successfully" on this precipice of The Future, which i like to so originally call "The Now."
as i have aged, the list of things that people say "have to" be done has shrunk and the list of things that people say are "supposed to" be done doesn't really even exist anymore. living a life of "supposed to" is to live by some script, and i've been living off-script for as long as i can physically remember, and technically, i could argue that i've been living off-script since the day i was dropped off at an orphanage in seoul, south korea, in may of 1989, but this is not about that *ugh* *sigh* *boo* *ugh*
and Rage
every time i read a new headline about how "millennials [defined by me as those who were IN high school during the year 2000, which means you were either a senior graduating in the spring of 2000 or a freshmen starting in the fall of 2000 and everyone in between. that's it. period. no one else. this is the one area i allow myself to be elitist, cause it matters, and totally doesn't matter, but i will discriminate in preference for true millennials, by my definition. there, i said it.] are old," because of this that or the other, i feel an overwhelming feeling of relief, a freedom of sorts that i am no longer "young" nor thereby "hot," and i couldn't be happier. all i've ever wanted was to not-be seen. i felt very seen my entire childhood, and then i was sorta able to hide away for a few years during college, and then i fell of the map completely through my mid-twenties and most of my thirties, but now, and for the past few years, i've had a very public-facing job, and i hate it (the public-facing part). i get hit on all the time, cause i don't wear a wedding ring, cause i'm not going to lose another ring in the trash, etc., etc., etc.!, and also, it's 2025, guys, like seriously, the sexism around here blows my mind every single fucking day. just ask. i'll be honest, and then we can just be normal.
so i wear my side-part and ankle socks loudly and proudly.
the other thing is that i'm, like, if i'm lucky, and Ladybug willing, i'll be turning forty, and nobody believes me, and it's awesome, so, i'm finding a new-found freedom in embracing my vanity. i've never taken so many selfies in my life, and i love it. i'm going full me all over my utoob channel (utoob is called youToob, after all), and it feels good, and it feels right, cause it's one thing to be beautiful when twenty and vain and hot all over the internet, but it's a whole other thing to not-look forty, and honestly, i love it even more than being hot when i was twenty, cause i've been making all of my life's decisions, and i'm doing alright.
and i'm aging out of rage. i just don't really care. you're not really gonna get me worked up about much anymore. it's all distilled into a few things that i'm obviously not going to share publicly, cause like, why would i spill all of the ways in which to "get me," psychologically? i wouldn't, but if anyone were to read the entirety of my writing, across all of my platforms, i'm fucked.
Majorie Taylor Greene
and Bill Maher
yea, she not crazy, and it's all thanks to the one surviving "straight-white-guy" whose opinion i will still consider, bill maher. i used to watch him more, and then i stopped watching cause he really was getting out of touch, but then someone must've told him, and he considered this, and he's since returned to a level of reality that i can accept. in short, he was really starting to sound like an old white man all stuck in his ways with an axe to grind about his privilege.
also, i learned, from him, that he invites democrats onto his show all the time, and they are the ones who reject his offer, and i was like, "what the fuck?" i assumed, like he explained everyone else did, too, that he simply didn't invite democrats or whatnot. who knew that The Party, it seems, as a whole, doesn't like maher. he's a strange enemy, in my opinion, cause he's very middling, very reasonable, literally, not-exciting at all. i've basically known of him for as long as i can remember, cause he's "That Atheist," and this particular branding of his is why we (the bodybuddy/lifemate&i) even started listening to him as we were navigating our exit from the "church" and into the wilderness of "godlessness," which isn't exactly who we are, but we are not christians or worshipers/subscribers to any organized religions or unorganized religions, really; i consider us to be something more like "unaffiliated with an institution," i.e. free agents.
don't worry, i'm not on some MTG bandwagon; i don't ride like that [literally, read the preceding sentence!], but that doesn't mean that she's crazy. it's possible to work the system, and she has, successfully, and now, she's working it again, so she's, obviously, not-stupid. she's smart, which makes her particularly dangerous, as we know intelligent women to be, so ya, she's hit my radar, and she's going to remain on my radar, cause she said a lot of not-crazy things during her time on Real Time, and one of the last things she said was something to the effect of, "Yes, this is how I see it, from my world view."
she's woke.
guys, she's woke, and that's so much great irony that like, i like, fucking, i don't even know what to think anymore.
yea, according to my worldview, her worldview is antiquated, old, obsolete, thereby harmful if we keep making decisions based on thinking that's literally thousands of years old. my worldview, one imagines, according to her worldview is the death of her worldview, which it is, cause that's what becoming smarter and then applying that knowledge does: it puts to death the fucked up views that are no longer helpful to our existence, as a whole, as a people on this planet, Earth, our one and only home world.
the freedom comes with the idea that here, on Empire, we are free to change or minds about our leaders, and our leaders, themselves, can change. we can like them, love them, and hate them, and when the system works, we keep them or boot them. it's easy. it's freedom. you're free, here, on Empire, for now.
Have to
and Supposed to
how did this end up on here again? fuck. i must've put it on the list, but then didn't realize that it was already on the list, and then i opened with this one. *gah*
Role Models
and Social Media
for as long as i can remember i've always volunteered my time. my mother made sure of it when i was young, and i'm glad she was like that. and so, when i was finishing up school in boulder, i volunteered some of my time to a group of high schoolers from their spring semester as sophomores until they graduated, and i was warned, on my first night, that i was being assigned to a group that has torn through every leader they've tried, forever, and i was like, that seems like a mean thing to say about a group of high school girls, and it's a weird thing to say if you want me to stay and meet them, but obviously, i'm a curious person so it was exactly the right thing to say to me, lol.
i met them, and we all met each other, and we were all together for the evening events, etc. it all seemed really normal to me, and i shrugged and went home. for the first few months everything was fine and seemed perfectly normal to me, and then the whole group was going on a weekend trip into the mountains during a three-day weekend. the week before the trip, we were all where we were where we have these leadership things, eating dinner before the kiddos arrived, and our leader, the leader of the leaders, did his thing and talked to us, like he does, and then he specifically shouted me out, and his shout out was about how amazing i was doing with my group, and i looked around and was like, "What?" and then he explained to the whole group about my group, and i was horrified, cause the next thing he did was that he asked me to say a few things to the group about what i'm doing, exactly, to find so much success with my group, and i was like, "What?" he repeated himself so that i could have a second to think, and what i thought was, Nothing, I don't do anything, specifically, and so, when i finally opened my mouth, i said, "I don't do anything. I'm just a facilitator," and the room went silent. and that was the truth. i didn't do anything in particular. i simply made myself available to them and their ideas. if they had an idea, i'd make it happen. if they wanted to do something, we'd do it. if they wanted to go somewhere, we'd go. this is what i told them, and i shrugged, and everyone was looking at me like i was crazy.
as i turn forty, i understand now why those girls liked me: i was The Future; their future in particular, as a woman. if you think i am smart now, imagine what i was like at twenty. if you think i'm hot now, imagine what i was like when i was twenty. if you think i am so capable now, imagine what i was like when i was twenty. i've always been ahead of the curve, and in a world where it seems like everyone is so far ahead of you, i was only a few years older than them, and like them, i was ahead of my curve, which means that they were approximately at the intellectual level of my peers (other fellow-leaders), but i was ahead of the curve, so i was someone to watch and see, to look at in order to get a glimpse of The Future, and as a young woman, they could watch and see how i navigated the world, and so it wasn't that i was doing nothing so much as i was making myself available for them to see, to watch, to learn how to be, someone from whom you can glean some ideas about what this "life" is all about, and this is why role models are so important, because when you're a certain age, that's all you're looking for; you're spending all of your attention on "how to be!" and it totally sucks, and it's totally stressful, and it's a social prison.
so i volunteered my time by making myself available to a few girls who were only a few years younger than me, but those years were the difference maker between girl and woman, and luckily for them, finally, a woman smarter than them (a group of smarty-pants within the larger group) showed up.
the problem with social media is that people who are most-likely "below you" intellectually are being held "above you" as someone to aspire toward, and that's fucked up.
Freedom to
and Freedom from
the difference in focus will blow your mind, and it is the sort of thing that will teach you something very personal, and so, there's no point in me spelling it out for you, because you will find something completely different, because you are you.
for me, the difference is the importance: freedom to ... looks forward, while freedom from ... looks back
i dunno about you, but all i want is to look forward, cause ya, okay, some shit went down, a lot of it and waaay way back, i get it, but can we just somehow, from here now, look forward, cause whether we like it or not, The Future is here.