*DUUUUHHHNNN Duuuuhhhnnn dundundundundudundun*

[track song]

[[post-title song]]

[[[&if you don't understand the choice of songs, i explain it all in this video, which is in this post]]]

It is not YOU who is old; it is that Lens you refuse to swap out every time you learn something new; oh wait, you stopped learning once you were no longer FORCED to learn? ugh *blech* Idiots are Losers

the Lens

through which you view your Life

needs to be updated

upgraded

with age

at ten

your Lens

has a lot to learn

but your perspective

at ten

has a lot to lend

the way in which you view the world

is unfiltered

unburdened

by a Lens

as an aside

this is why any sort of indoctrination

of children

ought to be illegal

nevertheless

i digress

when you are twenty

you know a lot

but you only know so much

cause you're twenty

which isn't much

but it is enough

your Lens

is developing

and you see the world

in a particular way

through this Lens

you make it to thirty

and your Lens is set

and for the entirety of your thirties

that Lens suits you well

you're well on your way

to forty

but then something odd starts to happen to you

all of you

who begin to approach

forty

you resist the age

and refuse to upgrade your Lens

cause you "want to seem young"

or you accept the age

and upgrade your Lens

cause you want to be "useful to the young"

and so

maybe

what the fear of aging really is

is a fear of growing up

taking on the responsibilities of adulthood

of the Elders

cause none of this is about you

anymore

it never was

and maybe

it is not so much that you fear aging

as you fear not-aging

dying young

perhaps some even wish to die young

so as not to be judged

for a life not-lived

but mostly

what about those who refuse to age?

cause like

what does it say about you

if you value your diminishing youth

over your own-knowledge gains?

we made it y'all
^..^

&maybe
the choice for "white" as a "color of the year"
is a gift to
"people of color"
a term i detest
btw
cause maybe
the gift is that
if you are a "POC"
*barf*
then "white" as a backdrop to your "color-filled" life
is kinda nice
ya know
a blank background
&no
i had no clue that this is what the bodybuddy/lifemate would choose for me
&technically
its "Awesome Lightgray"
but ima call it
WHITE
cause i did consciously choose another object that i got for myself for my bday
in WHITE
sorry-not-sorry
lol
&also
just like
also
if you're the type who says that a company's choice of the color "white" is an act of racism
YOU ARE ALSO A RACIST
like
duh



[here's my official 2025 SELF-PORTRAIT | at Forty
&the original is being stashed on my "in pictures" page]

I feel like a Loser, because ...

... i am not "successful" by the metrics of "FAME"

but i do not want to be "famous"

... i am not thin enough to be a global KPOP star

but i do not want to be a global KPOP star

i don't even like to sing

... i am not well-known or heavily-followed on the internet

but i do not want to be well-known or heavily-followed anywhere for any reason

... nobody wants to pay me for my writing

but i do not want to pay for anyone else's creative output

... i used to be hot, and now, i'm old, and i didn't capitalize on my hotness when i was young

but i do not value my outer beauty the way i value my brain and knowledge

... the whole world only sees the tippy-tippy-tippy top of the tippy Top

but i exist at the Bottom, with everyone else.

I AM NOT-FAMOUS

but my goal in life has never been "TO BE FAMOUS"

so why the FUCK

am I so unhappy about being NOT-FAMOUS?

b/c i have somehow equated

FAME = WINNING?

winning what?

LIFE?

nobody really cares about you, as a famous person, they only care about your FAME, not you, the person.

if "famous" people felt cared about, they—"famous people"—wouldn't be notoriously 

MISERABLE

what you want is for the people around you, in your every day life, to care about you, and on this scale—the human scale—everyone knows your name, because, on the Human Scale, you're a Winner. The Winner.

and the trade-off or PRICE of TOP OF THE TOP FAME AND TOP OF THE BOTTOM FAME

IS

FREEDOM

personal freedom

and for a Sag, like yourself, the price costs too much

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much

but you feel like a miserable LOSER, depressed like some fucking failure, because you are "not-famous" on the inhuman scale of FAME

but you are famous

on the Human Scale of being a person

People you do not know know your name.

You can name everyone you've ever met, at least within the past ten years or so, and probably extending further back, but you don't want people to test you, or do you?

You share your life with someone who shares their life with you, and you are both the witness to the entirety of someone's entire adult life, and the holder of the secrets of that life.

You are you in front of everybody. No mask. Some fear. Far deeper than that. The Truth. A Bold Fighter.

Ruthless Deliverer

Honesty Demander

Shortcut Denier

Confident Decider

Diligent Divider

Creative Deliberater

Liar Demonizer

The Dragon Lady

never loses.

sometimes, maybe, she quits cause she's

sick of this shit, but she never loses. 

So, how can you possibly be a loser?

'that's what she said'

apparently
thanks to the bb/lm
im collecting all the "fuck"* shirts
lol
[today]

*i tried to simply dm this pic to Laurence Basse, but there's no option to message pics to her, boo, but i totally get it, so instead, i made this whole post so that i could send her this link to the pic, lol, and typically, i wouldn't really do this sorta shit, but like the shirt says, as a reminder to myself, "i understand i just dont give a fuck"

just one dip of just the tip

why i started with Red
i will never know
*sigh*
i learned a lot
tho

the Red bled, &then it all ended w/DREAD

Yellow is where you start
color-wise
just fyi
i felt so free
knowing
that really
you couldn't see anything
at all

i've had a hunch
for some time now
that Green is
in fact
my favorite color
&as soon as the glass tip* hit the ink
i had a lot to say
so i said it
in Green

it was always a question
for me
because of my deep appreciation for Purple
but much has been learned
now
&Purple
is up there

&despite Green's dominance of my favor
Black is the best color
like
duh

*the bodybuddy/lifemate gifted me a calligraphy set, &yea, maybe i love it.

Blah BLAH blah blah

you haven't been in your "dream world" for quite some time, and you say this aloud not so long ago, "I haven't dreamt in my 'dream world' for like months, now."

and then, last night, you were there.

you were in Good Company, in high school.

your "friend group" was comprised of the top-academic performers in the school.

they are all there; you were all sitting there, together:

our class's Top Ten

you'd name them, but they know who they are.

and we're discussing the Drumpf problem. 

and then you have to go to the bathroom, which is, always, some fucking nightmare, when dreaming.

while awake, you have a vague map of your "dream world," and there's this one place in your "world" that has always confused you, when dreaming, but then, during this particular dream, you realized, while dreaming, that the reason why this particular bathroom's location is so tricky is because there's always a line, and so, you always end up walking all the way around, this one way, because you're always walking to the back of a line, but then, while standing in line, while dreaming, you realized that you always take this round-about way, cause you're always getting in line, but that sometimes there isn't a line, and so, you always get confused about where this particular bathroom is in your "dream world," whenever there isn't a line. 

and then you return to your group, and you all continue to discuss the current State of the World.

and then you have to pee again, and so, you excuse yourself and head off to the bathroom, but this time, you know how to get there after learning what you learned about the actual location of the bathroom, when there is no line, etc. 

you're naked, for some reason, and as you start to pee, some Drunk Bimbo—disheveled, sequin mini-tube dress (prolly some "you" from your twenties, lol)—stumbles into the room, cause the bathroom is sorta like a bathroom that you'd see attached to a hotel suite, etc., and as the Drunk Bimbo walks in, she has the gall to be mad at you, "What the fuck are you doing in my bathroom?!"

"Bitch, this is a public restroom," you calmly scoff.

and then, you're awake, cause now you gotta pee for-real.

and as your legs twitch and struggle to walk your body to the toilet, you think, "Damn, I didn't care at all that that Drunk Bimbo saw me naked, on the toilet." 

sad sun

"EVERYTHING" is no longer possible
&ima cry every day til im "over it"
grappling with prioritizing
&i hate it