i took this dress apart on June 7th
(right after i took this "before" shot along with some "before" video)
&i worked on the skirt to the point that it looks in the picture taken today
in short
the thing has not been touched since the seventh
*weeps*
to be fair
the bodybuddy/lifemate's bday week has been quite the celebration
&so
for the week leading up to bday week
and the week of
it has been easy to not really digest the fact that i am avoiding this skirt
but now that bday week is coming to a close
i must deal with this skirt
(along with all of its accompanying emotions)
&admit that i have hit emotional
(that must be annoyingly addressed)
&technical
(easily fixed with the purchase of a mannequin)
roadblocks
[this dress was a brand new walmart clearance item, and the whole look of it was a bit mumsie for me, but i saw the potential in the dress, cause, honestly, the thing is really well made, especially for walmart, and so, i snagged it, cause i saw a vision for it, not as one piece but as TWO!]
As all of the various emotions swim around my mind and body, causing migraine pain and a sort of frozen inability to take the next step, I have been experiencing an emotion that I recently described as "unfamiliar" in a comment on a rando ig person's post on socials, lol (&by "rando" i most-certainly do not mean "bad" as this ig person is, in fact, awesome). The post was something about the terrible idea of making your Dream the "backup plan." I don't remember the exact quote, and I'm emotionally avoiding ig rn, cause this particular ig person responded to a comment (we had a bit of a back and forth, but once i realized how nice she was being, i've been hiding in emotional fear of her niceness), but I'm too emotionally fragile to get back on to look at it, so I won't be visiting ig to find the post, although, I will find her account to link it here, but I'll do it so quick that I won't see anything! And I'm not logged into ig on my computer, so I won't get any notifications about my account!
*exhale*
The admittance, however, was the key to my own recognition of my own denial. After making my statement, I really thought about it, cause sharing, so openly (albeit in my own way) was such a strange thing for me to do, but I did it, cause I had to do something to get past this emotional roadblock, and it worked, cause I woke up this morning, and finally cried and finally felt all of the things that I had been feeling but also not-acknowledging.
And, uh, it's quite a mixed bag, and, uh, some of things that I'm feeling are feelings that I really do not want to admit having, cause I just don't know how they're going to be received, especially if you haven't been here (on this site) with me for more than one orbit, etc. And then, it's like, but if I don't share my big-headed feelings then I'm somehow "diminishing" myself or making myself "smaller," etc. And then, it's like, but if I do share all of my "real" emotions then I'm being honest and helpful to those who are in my same predicament, etc.
*ugh*
In the end, nothing about how I feel really needs to be shared with "the public," cause I have a relationship with my bodybuddy/lifemate that includes all of my feelings and emotions, and so, much of what I'm writing here, now, has been looked at, already, and so, it's a matter of what and how to share what I believe to be useful and helpful for anyone else on a similar Quest as mine.
And so, a list of feelings:
- Fear
- this one is obvious
- but I think that the part that gets lost (when specifically considering women and entrepreneurship) is that fear is different for women than men
- women sorta live in a "state of fear"
- any additional "risk" seems pointless or even reckless
- if you're gonna stick your neck out, it better be worth it
- and there's only one way to find out if it is worth it
- which means that failure is a possible outcome
- but also, so is success, which is even worse, somehow!
- cause I enjoy being largely unknown
- but what if I can't do it?
- then everyone will know
- so then what if I can do it?
- then everyone will know
- Stupidity/Foolishness
- I legitimately feel too stupid to do this, like I certainly am not smart enough
- I've never done this before!
- there's so much I do not know!
- I must be stupid to leave above-average, steady income, for no income!
- my health insurance!
- I'm jumping without a parachute!
- "Fashion" is silly
- Pride
- I do have a lot of skills, though
- I know how to work hard, and I work hard
- I have a lot of discipline
- I have a good mind
- I like to learn
- I like a challenge
- I haven't met a thing I couldn't learn
- I am a doer
- historically, I am a winner
- happiness, cause I'm doing it
- Guilt
- I do have a lot of skills, though
- I know how to work hard, and I work hard
- I have a lot of discipline
- I have a good mind
- I like to learn
- I like a challenge
- I haven't met a thing I couldn't learn
- I am a doer
- historically, I am a winner
- happiness, cause I'm doing it
- Happiness
- guilt for feeling it
- fear of losing it
And when I mentioned the "unfamiliar" feeling to the rando on ig, I called it "lost," cause I didn't know what it was, like I said, cause it felt so unfamiliar, but it's not an unknown feeling. I couldn't put my finger on the feeling, cause I hadn't felt the feeling in quite some time, but upon waking this morning, crying in the arms of my bodybuddy/lifemate and crying on the couch as I waited for relief from my migraine, my mind named the feeling.
You can be crushed by the weight of your own ambition.
And my first fear about putting my finger on the feeling that feels so unfamiliar was that I haven't done anything challenging, so that's why I haven't experienced this feeling in so long, but that's not True. So what's the alternative? The alternative is that maybe I'm kind of a bamf if I've done so much in the past ten years, and yet, I haven't felt this feeling in so long that it feels this unfamiliar. To wit ...
- Doubt
- I've literally accomplished every single little fucking thing that I've set my mind to
- I've tasted success so many times that it tastes bland to me
- Only a truly great challenge could shake me to my core these days
- which means that I'm on the right track
- but my skills are lacking!
- yea, that's why you're working on them!
- nobody just wakes up one morning, and is amazing!
- I've done everything that I've wanted to do, except this one last thing.
- This is literally the last thing on your list of things to do with your life
- other than going to Antarctica, but that's just a matter of cash
- DO IT, goddammit!
- We are not striving for perfection anymore, and so, this ought to be easier than ever before!
- It's not about whether or not I want to; it's only about whether or not I CAN
- I absolutely know that this is what I want to do, so what's the fucking problem?
- And
- You've been able to do everything you've wanted to do ...
- ... so far.
The skirt itself, imho, brought forth this lesson for me. It's well-constructed, complicated, complex, and one small notch above my current skill-level. The notch, however, is an absolutely crucial advancement that I must make in order to improve my current skill(s) and acquire new ones. In short, the top seam on the finishing button/button-hole edging (see the triplet of pics above) is so close to the edge that my current skill-level is going to be challenged to its upper-most limit if I want to finish this skirt at a level that will make me proud, etc. Obviously, the likelihood of my failure is large, which is why the skirt has been left in this near-finished state. Literally, there are about one hundred stitches left in order to finish this garment, and yet, I have been unwilling to touch the thing since I got it to this nearly-finished state.
This seemingly tiny technical-block has become a huge mental-block.
My ego is obviously readjusting itself to this new Quest, and this adjustment is going to take time. I am surprised (in a bad way, obviously) that my skills are being tested so much at such an early stage. I haven't even started yet; I'm still fixing up my old current wardrobe; I'm not even making anything yet.
Enter Doubt.
Remember your preparation. You covered your entire sewing studio workspace with physical photos of you working your art. You've been honing your skills as an artist since you were a child. Even though this particular skill is new, the overall action is not new. You even took a shot at this Dream once before, and you learned what you needed to learn in order to find yourself in this place, now. You know how to learn. You know how to acquire new skills. You know what you're doing. And you have proof that you are good at learning.
Living your Dream is actually a sort of Emotional Nightmare.
Every day, I am forced to confront myself. Every technical issue comes packaged with an emotional hurdle. The first technical issue I encountered was the mirror, and the mirror taught me something huge, something important, and I had to confront it. This next technical issue is the top stitch on this skirt. The process of learning is really a process of discovering how little you know. This is why I'm convinced that doing your Dream is so difficult, because if your Dream is something achievable by simply reaching out an arm and grabbing something an arms-length away, that's not a Dream; that's daily life, which is totally great, and I'm not trying to bash on anyone living their lives, I'm simply trying to explicate how Dreams are the things that seem unattainable ... a Dream.
Doing your Dream is a sort of Living Hellscape.
You're doing something you've never done before. You're doing something you don't really know how to do. You're doing something that has maybe never actually ever been done before. You're clearing your own path while you're treading it.
And all of the really challenging work is emotional. This is why showing up to some job is so much easier than being your own boss or being an entrepreneur or starting your own business. Being your own boss means that you're dealing with everything. Showing up to some job means that you're doing one small thing ... your job. And your job is (hopefully) clearly defined, has start and stop times, and requires nothing more from you than you're willing to give.
Your Dream, however, is ALL YOU.
This top-stitch technicality is weighing so heavily upon me, because it is arousing the feelings of Doubt. And as stated earlier, it's been a long time since I've felt this feeling, and parsing through exactly why I am feeling it now is quite simple. I am officially doing something I've never done before ...
I quit my job for my Dream.
I've quit jobs before, and I've even taken a stab at my Dream before, but I've never quit my job for my Dream. And so, this is it. This is IT. This is the thing that is the True Test, for me, about who I am and want to be. Everything about me is on the line. Or at least, this is how it feels, lol.
for i am here now
summiting
these mountains
made of the remains
of my experiences
And then, the next technical issue for me is the ordering of my mannequin, finally! And now, I'm so excited (can you hear the sarcasm in my voice?) to find out exactly how I will fall apart emotionally, lol.