18 May 2025

a saturday setup + an outing ootd

 

&she's back in filming mode!
if you've been around for more than one orbit
you know that this modus vivendi
rides the Time Tide
hard
&we're glad to ride this time of high tide







my girl, Sohj
has been posting some seriously righteous ootds
these days
&so
motivated by the paralyzing fear of being not-cool
do i look cool?


13 May 2025

w/a surplus of mothers i'd rather not-talk to &a shortage of grandmothers i'd like to talk to [&unable to even dream of a great-grandmother], the reality of the situation is that i'm trying to find my sister

the Adoption Agency finally responded
after a second, follow-up email was sent
that birth-grandmother has no phone on file
&the birth-grandfather's phone on file is not working
&that
"We feel sorry about that"

you respond by asking if you can be given any/all contact information that they have on file
but you remember
that you were adamant
that my birth father
not-contact me
&so
the repercussions of this
might be that birth-grandmother &birth-grandfather
or worse
your sister
thought that they were lumped into this
no-contact situation

the Adoption Agency responded much quicker
years ago
to a different email
that they did not have any contact information on file
for the biological half-sister about whom the inquiry was sent

&so
you've got nothing but a few pics
a name
a two-year age-range
your name
&a family registration number



김선 & 김선미
summer 2005



12 May 2025

MAY 2025 | as a subscriber


this periodical really puts the snail in snail mail
*iroll*







i was really hoping that i would get this cover
but i honestly couldn't even hope
bc i soooo badly did NOT want a certain cover
nevertheless
this is the cover i wanted
cause looooook at that face!
fuck the met gala or whateva
ugh
*drool*
on another note
i have already decided that i will not be renewing this subscription
at the end of this subscription
i will probably start shopping single issues around the Embers


11 May 2025

leave me alone; i'm drowning, in Wins


LUCK
when Preparation
meets Opportunity



when dealing with uncertainty
times of uncertainty
moments of uncertainty
events of uncertainty
my coping methods have evolved
over a literal lifetime of uncertainty

you have also lived a lifetime of uncertainty
i am not-special
in this way
we are the same
in this way

thus
coping with uncertainty
is really the only way to "deal with it"

there is no
uncertainty going away

there is no
uncertainty disappearing

there is no
amount of money
that can rid your life
of uncertainty

the only tool we have
is mitigation
coping
methods
how do we cope with the uncertainty of life
&the uncertainties of living

sure
there are times when life is more or less uncertain
&these days
certainty is being outweighed by uncertainty
certainly

&so
mitigation
coping
how do we "deal with"
uncertainty?

for me
as an active pursuer of change
my most-prominent coping methods for uncertainty
are photography
writing
crafting
manicures
&cooking

i have to be in an extremely stable-feeling situation
for visual art-making
[photography &writing excepted]

but it is only because i have held onto these above things so tightly
during times of uncertainty
that these things have become
certain things 
upon which i can rely

for example
when i'm going through bouts of uncertainty
i want to reach for something certain
&there is a growing list of things that i can do
with great certainty
like
taking pictures
aka playing with my camera
writing fiction
aka playing with my characters
crocheting or cross-stitching
aka playing with thread
giving myself a manicure
aka a little priceless self-care
&or cooking
aka playing with food

the above examples of skills i utilize to create certainty in my life
when i'm feeling especially uncertain
have become methods of certainty
over time

these are skills that i've learned and practiced for most of my life

i can count on these skills
to create something
for which i am certain
will come to fruition
&c.

these days
literally
days filled with moment-by-moment uncertainty
&generally speaking
i always have my fridge stocked with ingredients to make either
김치찌개
or 된장찌개
these are two korean foods that i can cook with great certainty
when i accomplish cooking this meal for myself and the bodybuddy/lifemate
it's a victory
a Win

since i've had a camera in my hand for as long as i can remember
thanks to my adopted-father's own love of photography
i also know that i can snap a pretty righteous pic
with absolute certainty
at any place
at any time
another easy Win

since i've been actively calling myself a writer since early 2008
i can also sit down and jot a little work of fiction
with absolute certainty
&Win yet again

my adopted-father's step-mother
when i was about eight years old
&so
when i'm feeling especially energetic
i can turn to these activities
to score another Win
with great certainty

&for a final example
i learned quite a ways back 
while shopping at walmart
when i noticed that all of the manicure supplies i see the manicure ladies use
are for sale to the general public
that one could simply
give one's self a manicure
&since it's been about ten years 
that i've been doing my own nails
i can now give myself manicures
most certainly
&for free
minus the cost of whatever new nail polish/sticker product i'm into these days
&the cost of cuticle cream (surprisingly expensive)
&nail files (dirt cheap)

especially in times of economic uncertainty
when every penny is being scrutinized
(we scrutinize every penny all the time)
having free or cheap methods of creating certainty surely doesn't hurt

of course
most of these methods do require money
but very little of it
&there are very few recurring expenses
&of the recurring expenses
they are cheap

&so
i originally posted this post with just the photograph
in a defiant petulance that i had nothing to say!

but then i added all this shit
after publishing
cause i feel like
during this time of extreme uncertainty
i know how to cope

&so
my hope
is that you know how
to cope
&if you don't know how to cope
i've outlined how i do it
&if you feel like it's too late to create these methods
that everything you do creates uncertainty
then there's no better time to start creating
methods of certainty
if for no other reason
than your own sanity

may your preparedness
be greeted by opportunity

stay safe out there


06 May 2025

here's the thing that both white&black women seem to not-understand about east-asian women ... as east-asian women (&some south-east asians), we don't need you.


#facts
#notsorryimnotsorry
#youevermetablackpersonwhoassumedyourspecificasianess?
#youevermetablackpersonwhocouldnameanasiancountrythatyoumightbefrom?
#youevermetablackpersonwhothinksasiansknowwhatoppressionis?
#youevermetawhitepersonwhodidntguessthatyouarechinese?
#youevermetawhitepersonwhodidntbowtoyouawkwardlywhenfirstmeeting?
#youevermetablackorwhitepersonwhodoesntexplicitlyappropriatessomeasianculture?
#youevermetablackorwhitepersonwhounderstandsanasianculture?
#youevermetapersonwhodidntwannahavesexwithyou?



04 May 2025

life &living on the long, lonesome lightpath


POWER

is knowing what you CAN

and absolutely CANNOT

control

HONOR

is knowing what you OUGHT

and absolutely OUGHT-NOT

control



after a seven-year spending moratorium on Marvel movies, i begged the bodybuddy/lifemate to see Thunderbolts*, haha!

&it was fantastic

becawoose

the Movie

tackled

of all things

mental health

depression

loneliness

the human reality of being SOCIAL CREATURES

&loneliness is exactly as depicted

a MIND TRAP

 'cause all you gotta do

is to BELIEVE

that everyone else is human, too

&that they

are lonely, too

just like you.





29 April 2025

you're an active dreamer, always have been, &the other night, while dreaming, you were trying to find some figment; you spent your entire sleep searching, &just as you find this figment, you look at her [it was a her], &as you reach your hands out toward her, you say, 'I'm suicidal,' &your ears snap open to the alarm that awakens you.


for you

it's a soggy feeling
wet
each drop dripping down
like
you even know that this
that
or the other
might even put a smile on your face
but nah

so does that mean you're not-depressed
if you can see the light
but you simply do not want to go over there?

or is it that you cannot?

you just don't want to
you conclude

but why?

it almost seems
as if
refusing to be happy
is making you feel depressed

but is it an active refusal
or is it that you cannot?

you have the dreams
you have the goals
you have
The Pursuit

&so
feeling content
here
in this now
a now you're striving to escape
feels like you've given up

'cause you cannot be happy
satisfied
until you've
what
reached The Summit?

but that seems sad
plus
look at all The Summits
you've had

&so
are you
what's the word
actively punishing yourself
like you're some failure?

or is it that you cannot?