a saturday setup + an outing ootd

 

&she's back in filming mode!
if you've been around for more than one orbit
you know that this modus vivendi
rides the Time Tide
hard
&we're glad to ride this time of high tide

my girl, Sohj
has been posting some seriously righteous ootds
these days
&so
motivated by the paralyzing fear of being not-cool
do i look cool?

w/a surplus of mothers i'd rather not-talk to &a shortage of grandmothers i'd like to talk to [&unable to even dream of a great-grandmother], the reality of the situation is that i'm trying to find my sister

the Adoption Agency finally responded
after a second, follow-up email was sent
that birth-grandmother has no phone on file
&the birth-grandfather's phone on file is not working
&that
"We feel sorry about that"

you respond by asking if you can be given any/all contact information that they have on file

but you remember

that you were adamant

that my birth father

not-contact me

&so

the repercussions of this

might be that birth-grandmother &birth-grandfather

or worse

your sister

thought that they were lumped into this

no-contact situation

the Adoption Agency responded much quicker
years ago

to a different email
that they did not have any contact information on file
for the biological half-sister about whom the inquiry was sent

&so

you've got nothing but a few pics

a name

a two-year age-range

your name

&a family registration number

김선 & 김선미
summer 2005

MAY 2025 | as a subscriber

this periodical really puts the snail in snail mail
*iroll*

i was really hoping that i would get this cover
but i honestly couldn't even hope
bc i soooo badly did NOT want a certain cover
nevertheless
this is the cover i wanted
cause looooook at that face!
fuck the met gala or whateva
ugh
*drool*
on another note
i have already decided that i will not be renewing this subscription
at the end of this subscription
i will probably start shopping single issues around the Embers

leave me alone; i'm drowning, in Wins

LUCK
when Preparation
meets Opportunity

when dealing with uncertainty

times of uncertainty

moments of uncertainty

events of uncertainty

my coping methods have evolved

over a literal lifetime of uncertainty

you have also lived a lifetime of uncertainty

i am not-special

in this way

we are the same

in this way

thus

coping with uncertainty

is really the only way to "deal with it"

there is no

uncertainty going away

there is no

uncertainty disappearing

there is no

amount of money

that can rid your life

of uncertainty

the only tool we have

is mitigation

coping

methods

how do we cope with the uncertainty of life

&the uncertainties of living

sure

there are times when life is more or less uncertain

&these days

certainty is being outweighed by uncertainty

certainly

&so

mitigation

coping

how do we "deal with"

uncertainty?

for me

as an active pursuer of change

my most-prominent coping methods for uncertainty

are photography

writing

crafting

manicures

&cooking

i have to be in an extremely stable-feeling situation

for visual art-making

[photography &writing excepted]

but it is only because i have held onto these above things so tightly

during times of uncertainty

that these things have become

certain things 

upon which i can rely

for example

when i'm going through bouts of uncertainty

i want to reach for something certain

&there is a growing list of things that i can do

with great certainty

like

taking pictures

aka playing with my camera

writing fiction

aka playing with my characters

crocheting or cross-stitching

aka playing with thread

giving myself a manicure

aka a little priceless self-care

&or cooking

aka playing with food

the above examples of skills i utilize to create certainty in my life

when i'm feeling especially uncertain

have become methods of certainty

over time

these are skills that i've learned and practiced for most of my life

i can count on these skills

to create something

for which i am certain

will come to fruition

&c.

these days

literally

days filled with moment-by-moment uncertainty

&generally speaking

i always have my fridge stocked with ingredients to make either

김치찌개

or 된장찌개

these are two korean foods that i can cook with great certainty

when i accomplish cooking this meal for myself and the bodybuddy/lifemate

it's a victory

a Win

since i've had a camera in my hand for as long as i can remember

thanks to my adopted-father's own love of photography

i also know that i can snap a pretty righteous pic

with absolute certainty

at any place

at any time

another easy Win

since i've been actively calling myself a writer since early 2008

i can also sit down and jot a little work of fiction

with absolute certainty

&Win yet again

my adopted-father's step-mother

aka my adopted-grandmother taught me how to crochet, sew, and cross-stitch

when i was about eight years old

&so

when i'm feeling especially energetic

i can turn to these activities

to score another Win

with great certainty

&for a final example

i learned quite a ways back 

while shopping at walmart

when i noticed that all of the manicure supplies i see the manicure ladies use

are for sale to the general public

that one could simply

give one's self a manicure

&since it's been about ten years 

that i've been doing my own nails

i can now give myself manicures

most certainly

&for free

minus the cost of whatever new nail polish/sticker product i'm into these days

&the cost of cuticle cream (surprisingly expensive)

&nail files (dirt cheap)

especially in times of economic uncertainty

when every penny is being scrutinized

(we scrutinize every penny all the time)

having free or cheap methods of creating certainty surely doesn't hurt

of course

most of these methods do require money

but very little of it

&there are very few recurring expenses

&of the recurring expenses

they are cheap

&so

i originally posted this post with just the photograph

in a defiant petulance that i had nothing to say!

but then i added all this shit

after publishing

cause i feel like

during this time of extreme uncertainty

i know how to cope

&so

my hope

is that you know how

to cope

&if you don't know how to cope

i've outlined how i do it

&if you feel like it's too late to create these methods

that everything you do creates uncertainty

then there's no better time to start creating

methods of certainty

if for no other reason

than your own sanity

may your preparedness

be greeted by opportunity

stay safe out there

here's the thing that both white&black women seem to not-understand about east-asian women ... as east-asian women (&some south-east asians), we don't need you.

#facts

#notsorryimnotsorry

#youevermetablackpersonwhoassumedyourspecificasianess?

#youevermetablackpersonwhocouldnameanasiancountrythatyoumightbefrom?

#youevermetablackpersonwhothinksasiansknowwhatoppressionis?

#youevermetawhitepersonwhodidntguessthatyouarechinese?

#youevermetawhitepersonwhodidntbowtoyouawkwardlywhenfirstmeeting?

#youevermetablackorwhitepersonwhodoesntexplicitlyappropriatessomeasianculture?

#youevermetablackorwhitepersonwhounderstandsanasianculture?

#youevermetapersonwhodidntwannahavesexwithyou?

life &living on the long, lonesome lightpath

POWER

is knowing what you CAN

and absolutely CANNOT

control

HONOR

is knowing what you OUGHT

and absolutely OUGHT-NOT

control

after a seven-year spending moratorium on Marvel movies, i begged the bodybuddy/lifemate to see Thunderbolts*, haha!

&it was fantastic

becawoose

the Movie

tackled

of all things

mental health

depression

loneliness

the human reality of being SOCIAL CREATURES

&loneliness is exactly as depicted

a MIND TRAP

 'cause all you gotta do

is to BELIEVE

that everyone else is human, too

&that they

are lonely, too

just like you.

you're an active dreamer, always have been, &the other night, while dreaming, you were trying to find some figment; you spent your entire sleep searching, &just as you find this figment, you look at her [it was a her], &as you reach your hands out toward her, you say, 'I'm suicidal,' &your ears snap open to the alarm that awakens you.

for you

it's a soggy feeling

wet

each drop dripping down

like

you even know that this

that

or the other

might even put a smile on your face

but nah

so does that mean you're not-depressed

if you can see the light

but you simply do not want to go over there?

or is it that you cannot?

you just don't want to

you conclude

but why?

it almost seems

as if

refusing to be happy

is making you feel depressed

but is it an active refusal

or is it that you cannot?

you have the dreams

you have the goals

you have

The Pursuit

&so

feeling content

here

in this now

a now you're striving to escape

feels like you've given up

'cause you cannot be happy

satisfied

until you've

what

reached The Summit?

but that seems sad

plus

look at all The Summits

you've had

&so

are you

what's the word

actively punishing yourself

like you're some failure?

or is it that you cannot?