07 January 2024

Deja Me; Deja Vu

Here's the thing about orphans and "normal" people. Like, I don't really know where to begin, &I am not in the business of bashing young people, especially young women, but I do have a point to make. So, I'll say the thing, aloud, and then pick at it? 

Surviving orphanhood is a feat of the extraordinary.

When someone experiences a life of so much privilege that a feat of the extraordinary must be contrived in order to "feel something," that person should not be rewarded as having achieved some sort of "greatness." 


If you know to whom I refer, I will refrain from spelling it out. Because my point is not about the privileged so much as it is about "normal" people, in general, more broadly. 

Yes, everyone has their struggles. &Yes, not all struggles are created equal. &Yet for the person experiencing the struggle, struggle is relative. There's nothing more infuriating than the optimism of a white male who has never seen a day of True struggle. 

Nevertheless, there are some largely agreed-upon True struggles. &Orphanhood is one of them. &It should really be lumped in with childhood trauma. Any child who experiences any sort of trauma outside of the ordinary (pissing one's self is well within the range of "normal" trauma, imho) has seen True struggle. 

People who've survived any form of abuse, really. 

&In general, I cannot deny that every single person alive has, does, and will forever experience some form of trauma. If a person has, literally, not seen a lick of trauma, I do not want to meet that person. What a fucking worthless bag of bones. How could they possibly know anything about anything. ("Oh, no, Sun, nobody's worthless. You gotta stay out of that negative space," etc., etc., *barf* Some people are worthless. Like, it truly would've been better if they had not been born, etc., but yes, it's rare.)

Oh, so anyway, about orphans. 

My theory is that the age it is that you begin to experience trauma is the age at which you begin to understand something about the world that others may never have the chance to ever learn. Like, babies know who their mother is, facts. So even orphan babies internalize that something just isn't quite right. Orphans that are old enough to remember, thusly, sorta "know" that something is definitely not quite right. And then orphans who are fully cooked, I can only make assumptions, and I don't really do that.

I specialize in orphans who were old enough to remember but were not yet quite fully cooked, because, well, that's the type of orphan I am. 

Dammit. I don't really have much of an argument here, after re-reading what I wrote above not but moments ago. Ugh. 

My point was that I learned that I could teach myself things. I was thrust into a situation where I had to start figuring out stuff, real quick, all by myself. It's no wonder I excelled academically. I was Paying Attention. Like a soldier, I am only recently learning. I paid attention, because I had to. And that paying attention leads to vigilance, preparedness, making sure that the rug is never pulled out from under you cause you have a rug under that one and a rug under the one that's the rug under that one and so on and so forth.


I met my birth father's birth parents, my birth grandparents, when I was nineteen, and my birth grandfather was a military man. You should see these pics. When given one evening to hang out with me, he took me to see the Korean War Memorial or something, maybe it was like the Korean War History Museum, or something, but there were aircraft all over the "park." And you should see the way that he's standing in the pics that I have of the five of us. Cray.

Anyway, I was raised by him for the first three years and five months of my life. He named me. 

There's no way in all of eternity he did not instill in me my mindset to achieve in this life. No way. 

My adopted mother used to fret that I was "such a perfectionist," because I was trying to be "perfect," because I was afraid that I would be "sent back," etc. And honestly, this never felt like the Truth to me, because I didn't feel like a perfectionist, at the time. I got straight A's because I wanted them. That's a completely different mindset than needing straight A's to be accepted. And so, only recently, did I realize that I never had that fear. My adopted mother was very egotistical in accepting the one idea that was all about her. My perfectionism was never about her. It never has been, and it never will be. My adopted parents are far from perfectionist-types. I was never concerned about impressing them.

And it wasn't until I thought about those pics from that "park" with my birth family nineteen years ago that I realized that it was my birth grandfather who shaped my mindset about achieving, doing my best, working hard, in essence, he was the one who instilled DISCIPLINE in me, and I will be forever grateful.  

And I will forever be grateful for my adopted parents for raising me, caring for me and giving me the greatest chance at life from which anyone would've benefited greatly.

But this is not about that.

My point, ugh, again, is that orphans know True struggle. And the average "normal" person does not see struggle outside of the range of what would be considered "normal." And so, my argument is that orphans learn to teach themselves, early on, while "normal" people learn that you are taught what you need to know. 

And so, surviving childhood trauma means that there's massive potential for True Greatness to be had by the Orphan. Hence, the superhero orphan trope I hate so much, ugh. HATE. Because they get it wrong.

On the other hand, people who have so much privilege, excess, really, wherein they must contrive some sort of struggle to then "overcome," have not really accomplished much at all, in the way of greatness. They are simply meeting the bar, the standard, the top of the curve, what's considered, "normal." Cause in order to be "normal," one must experience some sort of struggle. That's normal. But that struggle is what would be considered well within the realm of "normal," nothing extraordinary. A few will never see struggle. And a few more will only see struggle. That's the curve. That's math, and humans cannot outrun math. 

And then, of course, mapping orphans will, inevitably, create yet another graph of normal distribution, cause it's turtles all the way down, duh.


I suppose that the kind of superhero I want to be is the kind that makes you realize that if you're no longer attending government-mandated school, and you are not continuing your education in "higher learning," you can fucking learn whatever the fuck you want about anything. Pick up a book and teach yourself something new. If you're too poor to buy a book, go to the public library. If you're so rich you buy all your books, buy a book for someone who needs it. Most people can teach themselves anything they want to learn. "Normal" people, unfortunately, learn that you must be taught in order to learn. That's the Truest crime against children that there is in these contemporary times, if you ask me. 

Be a Learner. Pick up a book. Watch an instructional video. Teach yourself something. You'll be amazed at what you can do.