16 December 2023

On Growing Older

When I was young, it seemed like there was nothing worse, to adults, than aging. 
Now that I'm no longer young but still young-ish, there is nothing more exciting to me than the prospect of growing older, aging, living a long life, etc. 
Nevertheless, my physical body is beginning to feel the weight of my age,
and with this feeling has arrived a newfound sense of ...
about "making it" to this next milestone. 

The days have grown longer, time is passing slower, as these last few days spin on toward the completion of another lap, lived. 

I feel old.
I like it.

I also feel a lot of things, in general.
And when do you know that hot flashes have started?
Cause, I feel like they've started, but that's crazy young, isn't it? 
Who knows. Nobody teaches you how to be an older woman, cause
well, who cares? Ugh.

Another feeling I've been feeling is consideration.
I've been considering a lot of things that I would not have ever considered this time last year.
And those things that I've been considering are mostly about my adopted-family issues.
But as soon as I begin to sit and really contemplate it, it's a hard no, still
the Truth is that nobody in my adopted family really knows me
and it's so apparent
because they do not even know how offensive they are
how boldly they reveal they have no fucking clue who I am
and so,
I do not allow them to be close enough to me to speak to me,
because every interaction I've had with them
historically speaking
has caused me pain and suffering
and so,
what sane person would willingly receive this sort of person into a life?

The reason why I am considering a pathway forward with my adopted brother is because
we need him, in a professional sense.
As "Camas Siblings" we are both striving toward the same thing
riches beyond measure; for some odd reason,
we've come to the same conclusions about how one "ought" to spend this lifetime, etc.
not to be rich, so much as to survive this next very expensive phase of human existence on this planet called
that will,
wipe out anyone who doesn't adopt this new-way of living,
one's ability to utilize the mechanism upon which this new-society
has been built
(however disastrously good or bad)...

The reason why I simply cannot stomach an interaction with him, still, is because he has proven to me, 
time and time again,
that he has a fundamental misunderstanding of who I am.

To be fair, I was a quiet child. 

we've spent enough time together, in person,
(we backpacked through northwestern south america in our very-early twenties for five weeks!
for me to feel like he dropped the ball as a big brother.
And instead of bringing us closer,
he refuses to get to know me,
because we used to see each other often enough for siblings,
but then he showed me that he refused to see me from my point of view.

When I tell him things,
he always has a mouth full of advice instead of a head full of listening,
and that advice always, always, revolves around how [paraphrased]:
"There's a script, and you're not following it."
First of all, fuck you.
Second, I KNOW THAT! 
My sole fucking purpose in this life is to NOT FUCKING FOLLOW THE FUCKING SCRIPT!
And the fact that he doesn't get this, is like so fucking offensive to me, I could cry. 
I do cry about it. 
Cause it sucks to be so wholly misunderstood.


But really, he's a really smart guy. 
Valedictorian, etc.
Yada. Fucking. Yada.
And yet, he's so fucking dumb about some seriously important shit. 
And even still, I am 100% confident that we are both going to obtain our $Bs.
He's doing it "by the script,"
and frankly,
he can,
because he's a man.
And I'ma do it the old school way,
through vertical progress, etc.
Either way, 
he's more of a salesman than I am
and so,
we've (the bodybuddy/lifemate/director of details and I)
recently realized that he would improve our business, etc.

why is it so hard? 
(that's not what "she said" cause what she would really ever say would be something like, 
"wow, it's really fucking hard.")
but it can't really be "hard" if "hard" is 
the status quo,

ugh. again,