A few notable things happened last week, and as much as I'd rather not write it all out, right now, type it all down, right now, think it all through, right now, I feel as though I must. And so, I will.
What I learned, first and foremost (for those who'd rather not read about my life and would rather simply find out what I learned), is that I need to come to terms with the fact that I need to trust myself, follow my gut, allow my intuition/instincts to guide me, etc., etc., &c., unabashedly, wholeheartedly.
Monday
I was called into the manager's office by my two bosses (the store director and first assistant director), and every time I'm called into the office, I fill with dread, as if I'm in trouble. Never have I actually ever been in trouble at my job, generally speaking (I was first hired for a different store in Colorado, days before the January 6th insurrection, and on my first day at that job, that store director was informing my then-supervisor about how to share an unsavory video about Hillary on Meta. Obviously, I reported the incident to HR, and then, my entire time in that department became a nightmare of HR rounds between the three of us, etc.). And so, no, I've never really been in trouble because of something I've done, specifically, but I have had to deal with issues of retaliation and general ass-holery within this particular company.
Nevertheless, I have not had to deal with these sorts of issues at this new store, and, generally speaking, I've never been called into any office because I was in trouble (except for that one time in like eighth grade when one of the notes being passed around class had been found and the subject of that note was the principal's daughter, etc., and I was hardly the solo culprit, etc.).
Thus, I do not know from where my association with being called into the office and getting in trouble came. During my childhood, aside from that one time (and I should, really, write an entire thing about that "incident" because a few years later, the principal and his associates were all busted for tax fraud, etc., so the nature of that note with regards to the principal's daughter, was not so untrue as just inappropriate to say out loud), the only reason why I was ever called into an office was to receive some sort of accolade, sometimes to receive something as small as my free Subway sandwich voucher for being a Super Student or as large as finding out I won a major scholarship, etc.
The meeting was great, and the overall takeaway was that I need to talk to my managers more frequently, face-to-face. I write daily reports with job-specific information, but they want me to speak to one of them at the end of my shift.
Fine. No problem. I am feeling more comfortable with them, generally speaking, and so, nothing about this really upset me.
Tuesday
Went fine. Nothing special. But then a dawning dawned on me. I realized that I was growing. That I had reached some sort of growth point, and now, I would be feeling the pain of that growth.
Wednesday
The pain. The growing pains of the past few weeks all sorta hit me at once, and I became so desperate that I reached out on Socials for help. I asked my friends to help, to send suggestions, if they had the energy, about how to ease my mind, calm my soul.
I was genuinely surprised that anyone reached out, because, well, I don't get a lot of action on Socials, generally speaking.
But one friend, an old college friend, reached out and gave me a suggestion to look into pranayama. I was supremely grateful, and I noted that I would, in fact, look into it.
By the end of my shift on Wednesday, I was feeling better, more balanced, a bit uneasy, but dealing with the day alright.
And then, I met a "The One."
The grocery store in which I job has a number of outside vendors, contractors who all come in and do jobs in the store but who do not job for the corporation for which I job. And one of these contractors I deal with directly, because some of the things they need in order to do their job falls under my purview. Thus, when they are finished with their job at the end of their day, I am the person who checks them out for having completed their job, if I am there while they are there. The grocery manager and even the directors do the checking out from time to time, but I am the main person who does the checking out.
The checking out process is simple enough: the "Lead" finds me, we walk through the job that they did, and then I assign them a rating 1 through 5, sign two pieces of paper and fill out a few items on an app.
When I was being trained, my trainer informed me to give them whatever score I thought reflected their job performance. She did not give me any criteria to keep in mind, nor did she give me any sort of instruction on what I should look for. And so, on that first day, months ago, I gave them a 3. The "Lead" rushed me through what they did, and the nature of their job means that I don't necessarily know how well they actually did until a few days later, when I have the time to pull new tags and see how well they actually did. And so, I thought a 3 was plenty fair when considering they went well beyond the time allotted to do the job, and they always make a huge mess of the aisles while doing the job, etc.
And then, I had a horrible experience with one of the jobbers, and I gave them another 3. And then, that person no longer showed up with the rest of them and a new "Lead" was in charge. They received a 4 from then on.
The jobbing crew is made up of anywhere between half a dozen and a dozen jobbers who all come in to job together. By the end of their shift, the "Lead" and his assistant are typically the ones who are left in the store to do the walk-through with me. Sometimes there's a third straggler who gets a ride from the "Lead." And this third person is never the same person.
Last Wednesday, after giving them a 4 for doing a good job (I've been doling out 4s for about two solid months), one of the remaining three crew members (not the "Lead") looked at me and asked, "What do we have to do to get a 5?"
I was blown away. In the moment, I looked at her and said, "You have to blow my mind." And she stood up to me and asked, "But like what do we have to do?" And I said, "I guess we'll know when my mind has been blown." She looked dissatisfied.
Once they left, I immediately went to find the grocery manager, and I asked him what he gives them when he checks them out. He said, "I always give them a 5 unless they really like needed my help a lot or if they were just too slow, then maybe I'll give them a 4." I was shocked. I told him that I've never given them a 5, and he laughed.
The only thing weighing on my mind the rest of the day and that night was the fact that I was the only person who didn't give them 5s.
Thursday
I woke up and practiced two "simple" pranayama breathing exercises, and I kid you not, at the end of my last breath during that short practice my eyes shot open and my mind yelled at me, "She's a 'The One'!" I immediately was reminded of The One who asked me how to get a 5.
And then, I sorta panicked, and got my ass to my job, because I knew that I would be seeing her again that day, and then, I didn't know when I would see her again (they job sporadically on an unset schedule, and they job multiple stores around the area).
As soon as I got into job, I found the "Lead" and asked him if I could talk to her for a minute that day. He said that was fine, but that she was on her lunch, so I asked if he'd send her to me once she returned.
I was down an aisle when she came sauntering toward me.
I told her about how she blew my mind by simply asking about how to get a 5, and so, I was going to tell her how to get a 5 from me. She explained that all of the other stores give them a 5, and when their bosses ask why they didn't get a 5 from me, nobody knows why. I was shocked. I asked her why the "Lead" never asked, and she didn't know. I asked her why she wanted to know, and she said, "Because the Lead doesn't ask." And so I outlined exactly what I was looking at and why they didn't get 5s from me.
And then I told her that she knows why they don't get a 5, and she knows how to get a 5, and she's not even the Lead. Then I suggested that maybe she's outgrown her job.
She smiled a big smile, and said that she was curious about applying to our store. So we talked about how if she wants, she could have my job; she just needs to apply for it. And then I explained to her my job.
And then I told her that she's a "The One." I explained it to her until I was confident that she understood what I was saying to her, "You're literally The One who asked about how to get that 5." And then I told her that I would give them a 5 today, and that they would be getting that 5 because of her.
That night I fretted and worried into the morning, because I knew that my managers are cutting hours, across the board, and so, I knew that if The One applied, my backup would, essentially, be cut to part-time, because my department does not need three full-time jobbers. My department needs one full-time manager, and two part-time backups.
Friday
Still fretting, I did my breathing exercises and decided to let my worries go.
Sitting in my office, my backup literally skipped into the office waving a sheet of paper in her hand, thrilled that she finally gets to work part-time. I was shocked. She gave me two different schedule options for a three-shift schedule. I literally started crying, and I do not know if my backup knows why I was crying, but I was so happy I didn't have to cut her hours myself. I found out later that the First AD had informed my backup on Thursday, after I left, that they were cutting hours, so she needed to come up with a different schedule.
Needless to say, I was stunned for the rest of the day, crying off and on out of happiness, sheer shock and disbelief. For weeks, I've been ringing my singing bowl and repeating my mantra/wish, "I will train my intelligent, hardworking helper until they are trained, and then I will quit my job."
Obviously, I have no idea what will happen now. Of course, The One might not apply. Of course, The One might apply but then not want my job. Of course, The One might never show her face in my presence ever again. BUT it's also possible that she is The One for whom I have been begging the universe. It's possible that she is The One who will free me. It's possible that everything that I've been working so hard toward is actually going to be my reality, very soon.
It's all seemingly possible.
And then the bodybuddy/lifemate and I finished jobbing for the week to start our weekend, and we did what we always do on Fridays; we hit the beach.
The Lesson
After simmering on the beach, I talked extensively with the bodybuddy/lifemate about how I cannot ever doubt my is-ness. I didn't know that the other FMs in the other stores around town simply doled out 5s to that jobbing crew. I had no idea. I was literally The One who wouldn't give them a 5, and in my opinion, I had good reason. My job involves the price tags around the store. The jobbing crew comes in and moves stuff around, so if I see a ripped tag in the sections that they work, what am I supposed to think? I obviously think that they ripped the tag, and they didn't replace it. That's not a job done at a level 5, in my book. And that's what I told The One.
It was my judgement, my squeezing of them that forced The One of that group to reveal herself. This was not some master plan. I had no intention of squeezing them. I had no idea that I was holding them to some higher standard than everyone else. I was simply holding them to my standard, my gut, my intuition. And by doing so, I squeezed out the best performer from the group, The One who cared enough about getting a 5 to ask how to get a 5. And not only did I force the top performer to reveal herself, I found out that she has always been really curious about what I do in the store ever since I gave them that first 3. She couldn't understand what made me different, but she knew I was different.
And so, my point to myself is that I need to lean even deeper into the person I am, because that is the only way I will attract the people I need in order to succeed at my personal business endeavors. I need to remind myself, constantly, to hold true to my standards, to not question my intuition, to believe that what I believe, what I know will get me where I am trying to go.
I can do this. I can become the billionaire I wish to be. I will be the billionaire I am working so hard to become. BUT I will only get there by being 100% fully me. I do not have some master plan. I never have. I only have my gut and my intuition. I feel my way through this life, and I go with my gut when making decisions about how to get where I want to be.
And now, after the last 72 hours of the past week, I am finally feeling confident in my mindset, my process, my ideology on how to become a billionaire. I need to be me, unabashedly. And so, I will.