Finding myself
where I don't belong.
Belonging somewhere
I cannot find.

*
**
***
*^ &on my "pictures" page

On Virtue

*mind the nips*

&check out how nicely the JOWLs are coming in

lol

you cannot tell me how to wear my hair
not here
not anywhere

you cannot ascribe value to some bodily thing

over which i have absolutely NO choice or power

you cannot know my character
based off something like
my hair

cause
at the end of the day
my hair
really
says nothing about me

cause

my hair cannot speak

it's hair

and honestly

i just don't fucking care

what you think

if you want to know who i am

or what i think

open your fucking mouth

and ask my face

cause

my hair cannot speak

CUNTSTOMER

notoriously a woman

possesses an over-inflated EGO 

 

notoriously a member of the near-elderly-to-old generations

subscribes to the idea that women are to put on a face when out in public

 
notoriously miserable, stressed out, wrinkled (in that deep, dark way where the shadow of their miserable internal lives escapes through their eyes and haunts their face only to terrify any would-be beholder) from the stress

holds the idea in her mind that she deserves to be treated in a certain way, and thusly, expects to be treated in that way, at all times, by all people, no matter how they treat the people around them

 and that way is notoriously over-inflated by an ego that believes that she is special, deserving

and if you do not treat her the way in which she believes she deserves, e.g. neutral as opposed to ass-hole licking prostration, brace yourself for scolding condescension to the tune of, "My god, how dare you speak to me like that!" followed closely by, "I really hope your day turns around."

and if you even suggest that, "Actually, I'm having the best day, ever! I'm quite happy, right now, thank you!" Be prepared to trigger her, because she, herself, is an unhappy miserable cunt, so "How dare you not spread your happiness with all of us miserable cunts! We spread our entitled disdain for our failures all over you, you selfish Bitch!" and then she screams, "Instead of making my day brighter, you've ruined it!" 

2026 A MANTRA | puuurrfect kitty, smoky gray, smooshy-face okay (or chocolate brown)

snail mail—

always welcome

never a problem

if you have my physical address

you are as close to me as a friend can be

&if i have your physical address

you will get mail

phone calls—

unless you're my insurance provider, etc.,

i will never pick up the phone

&even if you are my insurance provider, etc.,

&the shit you're bothering me about can be done online

i won't pick up the phone

video calls—

if we are connected on a platform that allows for this to transpire

roll them dice, gurl!

texts—

will receive

will respond at my discretion

99% of the time

i won't

email—

80/20

business/pleasure

kakao—

becoming increasingly more-difficult to use from the U.S.

will probably disappear this year

&will return when we return to seoul

&getta +82

ig—

my main messenger

&whateverthefuck posts

utoob—

for use like twitter + uTube

tkscmdotcom—

where everything that means anything will end up being archived

the contact box sends an email to an address that lands directly into my pocket

fyi

findyummylovedotcom—

aka ephwhyell

the future home of my forthcoming brand

in its

i don't know how to put it

so like

its

the realization, finally, of my Lifelong Dream

or something to that effect

&the current home of my photography archive

tkscmlimiteddotcom—

will be overhauled this year to more-accurately reflect what our business has become as an entity 

&if you have this contact email

we interact exclusively online

&i want to stay connected

 

lopsiiidotcom—

a continued resource available online, for FREE, for anyone pursuing their own Financial Literacy

aka Financial Freedom

*

*DUUUUHHHNNN Duuuuhhhnnn dundundundundudundun*

[track song]

[[post-title song]]

[[[&if you don't understand the choice of songs, i explain it all in this video]]]

It is not YOU who is old; it is that Lens you refuse to swap out every time you learn something new; oh wait, you stopped learning once you were no longer FORCED to learn? ugh *blech* Idiots are Losers

the Lens

through which you view your Life

needs to be updated

upgraded

with age

at ten

your Lens

has a lot to learn

but your perspective

at ten

has a lot to lend

the way in which you view the world

is unfiltered

unburdened

by a Lens

as an aside

this is why any sort of indoctrination

of children

ought to be illegal

nevertheless

i digress

when you are twenty

you know a lot

but you only know so much

cause you're twenty

which isn't much

but it is enough

your Lens

is developing

and you see the world

in a particular way

through this Lens

you make it to thirty

and your Lens is set

and for the entirety of your thirties

that Lens suits you well

you're well on your way

to forty

but then something odd starts to happen to you

all of you

who begin to approach

forty

you resist the age

and refuse to upgrade your Lens

cause you "want to seem young"

or you accept the age

and upgrade your Lens

cause you want to be "useful to the young"

and so

maybe

what the fear of aging really is

is a fear of growing up

taking on the responsibilities of adulthood

of the Elders

cause none of this is about you

anymore

it never was

and maybe

it is not so much that you fear aging

as you fear not-aging

dying young

perhaps some even wish to die young

so as not to be judged

for a life not-lived

but mostly

what about those who refuse to age?

cause like

what does it say about you

if you value your diminishing youth

over your own-knowledge gains?

we made it y'all
^..^

&maybe
the choice for "white" as a "color of the year"
is a gift to
"people of color"
a term i detest
btw
cause maybe
the gift is that
if you are a "POC"
*barf*
then "white" as a backdrop to your "color-filled" life
is kinda nice
ya know
a blank background
&no
i had no clue that this is what the bodybuddy/lifemate would choose for me
&technically
its "Awesome Lightgray"
but ima call it
WHITE
cause i did consciously choose another object that i got for myself for my bday
in WHITE
sorry-not-sorry
lol
&also
just like
also
if you're the type who says that a company's choice of the color "white" is an act of racism
YOU ARE ALSO A RACIST
like
duh



[here's my official 2025 SELF-PORTRAIT | at Forty
&the original is being stashed on my "in pictures" page]

I feel like a Loser, because ...

... i am not "successful" by the metrics of "FAME"

but i do not want to be "famous"

... i am not thin enough to be a global KPOP star

but i do not want to be a global KPOP star

i don't even like to sing

... i am not well-known or heavily-followed on the internet

but i do not want to be well-known or heavily-followed anywhere for any reason

... nobody wants to pay me for my writing

but i do not want to pay for anyone else's creative output

... i used to be hot, and now, i'm old, and i didn't capitalize on my hotness when i was young

but i do not value my outer beauty the way i value my brain and knowledge

... the whole world only sees the tippy-tippy-tippy top of the tippy Top

but i exist at the Bottom, with everyone else.

I AM NOT-FAMOUS

but my goal in life has never been "TO BE FAMOUS"

so why the FUCK

am I so unhappy about being NOT-FAMOUS?

b/c i have somehow equated

FAME = WINNING?

winning what?

LIFE?

nobody really cares about you, as a famous person, they only care about your FAME, not you, the person.

if "famous" people felt cared about, they—"famous people"—wouldn't be notoriously 

MISERABLE

what you want is for the people around you, in your every day life, to care about you, and on this scale—the human scale—everyone knows your name, because, on the Human Scale, you're a Winner. The Winner.

and the trade-off or PRICE of TOP OF THE TOP FAME AND TOP OF THE BOTTOM FAME

IS

FREEDOM

personal freedom

and for a Sag, like yourself, the price costs too much

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much

but you feel like a miserable LOSER, depressed like some fucking failure, because you are "not-famous" on the inhuman scale of FAME

but you are famous

on the Human Scale of being a person

People you do not know know your name.

You can name everyone you've ever met, at least within the past ten years or so, and probably extending further back, but you don't want people to test you, or do you?

You share your life with someone who shares their life with you, and you are both the witness to the entirety of someone's entire adult life, and the holder of the secrets of that life.

You are you in front of everybody. No mask. Some fear. Far deeper than that. The Truth. A Bold Fighter.

Ruthless Deliverer

Honesty Demander

Shortcut Denier

Confident Decider

Diligent Divider

Creative Deliberater

Liar Demonizer

The Dragon Lady

never loses.

sometimes, maybe, she quits cause she's

sick of this shit, but she never loses. 

So, how can you possibly be a loser?

'that's what she said'

apparently
thanks to the bb/lm
im collecting all the "fuck"* shirts
lol
[today]

*i tried to simply dm this pic to Laurence Basse, but there's no option to message pics to her, boo, but i totally get it, so instead, i made this whole post so that i could send her this link to the pic, lol, and typically, i wouldn't really do this sorta shit, but like the shirt says, as a reminder to myself, "i understand i just dont give a fuck"

just one dip of just the tip

why i started with Red
i will never know
*sigh*
i learned a lot
tho

the Red bled, &then it all ended w/DREAD

Yellow is where you start
color-wise
just fyi
i felt so free
knowing
that really
you couldn't see anything
at all

i've had a hunch
for some time now
that Green is
in fact
my favorite color
&as soon as the glass tip* hit the ink
i had a lot to say
so i said it
in Green

it was always a question
for me
because of my deep appreciation for Purple
but much has been learned
now
&Purple
is up there

&despite Green's dominance of my favor
Black is the best color
like
duh

*the bodybuddy/lifemate gifted me a calligraphy set, &yea, maybe i love it.

Blah BLAH blah blah

you haven't been in your "dream world" for quite some time, and you say this aloud not so long ago, "I haven't dreamt in my 'dream world' for like months, now."

and then, last night, you were there.

you were in Good Company, in high school.

your "friend group" was comprised of the top-academic performers in the school.

they are all there; you were all sitting there, together:

our class's Top Ten

you'd name them, but they know who they are.

and we're discussing the Drumpf problem. 

and then you have to go to the bathroom, which is, always, some fucking nightmare, when dreaming.

while awake, you have a vague map of your "dream world," and there's this one place in your "world" that has always confused you, when dreaming, but then, during this particular dream, you realized, while dreaming, that the reason why this particular bathroom's location is so tricky is because there's always a line, and so, you always end up walking all the way around, this one way, because you're always walking to the back of a line, but then, while standing in line, while dreaming, you realized that you always take this round-about way, cause you're always getting in line, but that sometimes there isn't a line, and so, you always get confused about where this particular bathroom is in your "dream world," whenever there isn't a line. 

and then you return to your group, and you all continue to discuss the current State of the World.

and then you have to pee again, and so, you excuse yourself and head off to the bathroom, but this time, you know how to get there after learning what you learned about the actual location of the bathroom, when there is no line, etc. 

you're naked, for some reason, and as you start to pee, some Drunk Bimbo—disheveled, sequin mini-tube dress (prolly some "you" from your twenties, lol)—stumbles into the room, cause the bathroom is sorta like a bathroom that you'd see attached to a hotel suite, etc., and as the Drunk Bimbo walks in, she has the gall to be mad at you, "What the fuck are you doing in my bathroom?!"

"Bitch, this is a public restroom," you calmly scoff.

and then, you're awake, cause now you gotta pee for-real.

and as your legs twitch and struggle to walk your body to the toilet, you think, "Damn, I didn't care at all that that Drunk Bimbo saw me naked, on the toilet." 

sad sun

"EVERYTHING" is no longer possible
&ima cry every day til im "over it"
grappling with prioritizing
&i hate it

Some Good Bitches, one Bad Bitch, &a Boss Bitch | On the JOB

"Morning, Bad Bitch," Boss Bitch hellos as she walks into the office from where she does her full-time job as both the manager of the communal-manager's office (ordering paper, supplies, etc.) and the manager of the department that is run out of the office; "Thank you so much for filling the printer paper!"

"Yea, I'm the only one who ever does it," Bad Bitch, a part-time jobber who uses the printer one time per shift responds, "cause nobody ever does anything around here."

Boss Bitch holds her breath as she waits for Bad Bitch to leave the office, and as she stands there, she takes deep mental notes about how Bad Bitch is one fucking mother-fucker of an ego, damn. Tread lightly. 

"Morning, Good Bitch," Boss Bitch hellos as she walks her opening rounds, checking in with the closers.

"Oh, Hi, Boss Bitch!" Good Bitch hellos, tired. 

"How's it going?" Boss Bitch checks in, cause Good Bitch is accommodating, to a fault, and Boss Bitch knows management really yanks her around, so she takes extra time to check on Good Bitch whenever she sees her cause she knows that Good Bitch is ripe for exploitation. Good Bitch is the opposite of a "difficult woman." She's "ideal."

"Oh, well, you know, Bad Bitch is at it again," Good Bitch informs.

"What now?" Boss Bitch inquires.

"Well, you know that they're all on a group chat without me?" Good Bitch asks.

"Oh my god, Good Bitch! No!" Boss Bitch gasps; "I mean, I know about the daily group texts from Bad Bitch, cause Good Bitch 2 has told me about them, but they also have a group text without you?"

"Yea," Good Bitch gets teary.

Boss Bitch gives her best sympathy face.

"So yea, she tells everyone in the group group text, all of us, that I do such a bad job, and that I'm worthless and stupid," Good Bitch whispers. 

"WHAT?!?" Boss Bitch explodes.

Good Bitch goes on to explain to Boss Bitch about all of the terrible things that Bad Bitch routinely texts to the group, "as if she's the manager," which ultimately makes Boss Bitch wonder, "well, but why has the actual manager allowed this to go on? and even if she were the manager, nobody can talk to you like this in the jobplace!" 

"Well, if Bad Bitch really has a problem with your job performance, she should tell Big Boss 2, like, has Big Boss 2 ever called you into the office to talk about your job performance?" Boss Bitch asks.

Good Bitch shakes her head.

"So you're saying that Bad Bitch is just harassing you over group text and calling you 'worthless' and 'stupid' in front of everyone?" Boss Bitch clarifies. 

Good Bitch lowers her head, "Yes, and I have proof."

Boss Bitch goes on to explain to Good Bitch that she needs to call HR and report the verbal harassment that is being aimed at her OVER GROUP TEXT! But Good Bitch is hesitant. She's a Good Bitch.

"Bad Bitch is indispensable, and I'm only, like, the helper," Good Bitch sniffles.

"Bad Bitch is not indispensable. No! She only jobs part-time. They're lucky that you show up! You're the one who gets called in because NONE OF THEM CAN OR WILL SHOW UP!" Boss Bitch shouts; "I'm sorry; I'm not shouting at you, I just ... like, I just have ZERO tolerance for this sorta shit. Sorry."

"No it's fine. I'm tired of this shit, too. I've even had managers here who yell in my face," Good Bitch sniffles.

"CALL HR, or I will do it," Boss Bitch demands.

"Okay, I will," Good Bitch nods; "I already told Big Boss 2 about it, though, and he said that he'd look into it." 

"When?" Boss Bitch asks.

"A few weeks ago," Good Bitch informs. 

"Gah! Okay, I'll talk to Big Boss 2, first, but then if you don't call HR, I will call anonymously," Boss Bitch threatens. 

"Okay. Thank you, Boss Bitch," Good Bitch thanks.

"It's no problem. I am happy to do it. I'll talk to Big Boss 2 in the morning, first thing, when I see him," Boss Bitch consoles. 

Good Bitch goes home, and Boss Bitch jobs her little butt off until she spots Big Boss 2 about an hour before she's done for the night.

"Morning, Big Boss 2! I have a thing to ask you about a thing, I'll be right back," Boss Bitch utters as she walks by Big Boss 2 on her way to the baler. 

Boss Bitch makes her way back to the place where she first saw Big Boss 2, "So, I talked to Good Bitch about how she's being harassed over group text by Bad Bitch."

 "When did you talk to her?" Big Boss 2 asks.

"Last night," Boss Bitch informs.

"Okay, I'll look into it," Big Boss 2 states.

"Good Bitch says that she has proof of the texts," Boss Bitch adds.

"Okay, I'll look into it," Big Boss 2 states.

"Bad Bitch is harassing Good Bitch. She called her worthless and stupid, in a group text!" Boss Bitch explains.

Big Boss 2 looks at Boss Bitch as if he doesn't know what he's supposed to think.

"Remember, this is the time when a paper trail needs to be started, if what Good Bitch is saying is true, so that Bad Bitch can be fired if she keeps it up," Boss Bitch reminds.

"When is Good Bitch coming in again," Big Boss 2 asks.

"Later today," Boss Bitch informs. 

"Okay, I'll talk to her," Big Boss 2 states. 

Boss Bitch stands taller and eyes Big Boss 2, "She called her worthless and stupid, in a group text."

Big Boss 2's body language says, Yea, but it's the week of a holiday, and I don't have the time to deal with these "women's problems."

Boss Bitch storms off, and takes her last fifteen-minute break. 

While on break, Boss Bitch taps out an email directly to HR (she knows the lady), explains what was told to her by Good Bitch, explains that Good Bitch has proof, and explains that Big Boss 2 has known for weeks, and even today, he still didn't really care. Boss Bitch reminds HR that she, herself, already has evidence of this jobplace's blatant neglect when it comes to verbal harassment. Boss Bitch ends the message by threatening to call the official HR Hotline, cause she learned, that last time she had to deal with a job-fucker that the HR Hotline goes directly to Mainland Corporate, and the HR person accidentally revealed (through weakness of mind, one imagines) that they, the Local Corporate Management, would rather have all issues remain "on island," if she knows what she means. 

Boss Bitch has said her piece, so she goes on with her life giving the issue no more thought.

And then the end of the week rolls by, and Good Bitch is closing. 

"Morning, Good Bitch," Boss Bitch hellos as she walks by with no plans of prying into Good Bitch's situation.

"Boss Bitch!" Good Bitch exclaims while gesturing Boss Bitch over to chat; "They talked to her." 

"Already?" Boss Bitch inquires.

"Yea, like the next day," Good Bitch informs.

"Really?" Boss Bitch states, genuinely shocked.

"Yea, they called Bad Bitch and our Bad Boss Bitch into the office and everything," Good Bitch informs as she relays the details. 

"Wow! That's so great!" Boss Bitch cheers. 

"Yea, and I came into the store later with my mom, and all of the Big Bosses greeted me and were so friendly, and they were like, 'Hi, Good Bitch, it's so good to see you,' and my mom was like, 'Wow, they really appreciate you here,' and I was like, 'No, mom, this is not normal, none of them have ever treated me nicely, ever'," Good Bitch explains. 

"Well, I'm happy for you! I'm so glad that Bad Bitch got her due," Boss Bitch smiles.

"Yea, and Big Boss 5 was even like, 'Oh, Good Bitch, you let me know if anyone retaliates against you; we don't tolerate harassment here'," Good Bitch laughs.

Boss Bitch refrains from a full-on spit-take and laughs a job-appropriate amount. 

"Thank you, Boss Bitch," Good Bitch thanks, teary-eyed.

"Oh my god, no problem. You're so welcome. Anytime. It's my pleasure," Boss Bitch responds, teary-eyed. 

"You really must've laid into Big Boss 2," Good Bitch thanks, impressed.

Boss Bitch shakes her head and whispers, "No, I went over his head."

Good Bitch looks shocked.

"You said you told Big Boss 2 a few weeks ago about it," Boss Bitch states.

"Yea," Good Bitch nods.

"I have ZERO tolerance for this sorta shit," Boss Bitch reiterates.

"Thank you so much, Boss Bitch," Good Bitch thanks again. 

"You're very welcome, like I said, anytime, cause I know they said to come to them, but if they're not moving fast enough, you come to me," Boss Bitch demands. 

"Thank you," Good Bitch thanks, again. 

"Thank yourself, too, cause you spoke up, and you told me about your suffering. Good job!" Boss Bitch congratulates. 

Good Bitch looks shocked.

"Good job speaking up for yourself, Good Bitch," Boss Bitch reiterates.

Good Bitch looks like she's about to meltdown into tears. 

"Have a good night, Good Bitch," Boss Bitch smiles as she gets back to her job duties. 

"You, too, Boss Bitch," Good Bitch waves.

if i may ...

[timestamps on utoob]
ALL TOLD
THIS MEAL
[Pic2]
including :: the cinnamon rolls in Pic1
[baked up first to snack on while cooking]
&the pie in Pic6
&excluding :: cookware
[minus the enormous turkey roasting pan, which we now know to be reusable!]
salt &pepper
garlic, onions &various spices
[cause we cook all the time, so we did not have to buy these things for this meal]
&the cost of electrcity
etc.
COST $64.00
[each item rounded up to the nearest dollar, along with the total]
we are grocery-store jobbers
&so
this year
we could stack multiple coupons that totaled 70% off a turkey
if we bought our company's brand
etc.
&we got a 15.5-pound bird at $2.99/lb for $7.22
so
about $55 bucks for all the other stuff
&if we had had to pay the full price for the bird
the cost would've been $95
[a meal much closer to $100 than $50]
but it didn't
lol
&with a $35 daily grocery budget
[here in honolulu]
whichever way you slice it
twas an affordable meal
[of classics-only]
especially since the food will easily last three days of main meals
[one hopes]
etc.
last year
thebodybuddy/lifemate was given a free turkey from the union
of which he is a part
*blech*
no such luck this year
those cheap-ass motherfuckers

The Reason for the Season is Sag Freedom

it's like everyone
the world over
decorates for the celebration of
Sagittariuses
lol

if you wanna pic of some body lovin'
is it weirder to take it of yourselves
or to pay to/have someone else take it?

[end note]

ootd ::

target dress [$15 in 2025]

im all about 100% cotton/linen/silk these days

(outerwear + exercise stuff excluded)

my entire wardrobe is nearly flipped over

same walmart sandals

&an "everyday" jewelry look ::

past-birthdays studs, hoops &necklace

ring [not-pictured, not-birthday]

pics :: 

the same ideology as always *iroll*

&no

context is not a "given"

FROG and TOAD

"Dear Toad,
I am glad that you are my best friend.
Your best friend, Frog."

Arnold Lobel

[end notes]

ootd :: 

walmart sunnies [$15 in 2022]

walmart t-shirt [$5 in 2025]

uniqlo khakis [~₩20,000 around 2016]

walmart sandals [$6 in 2023]

camera ::

canon powershot s95

pics ::

took only one shot

no playback

no cropping

edited only for color correction/boosting

cause ya girl's got aesthetic standards to uphold

beers ::

i only carried them long enough to snap this pic ;)

me: "maybe i'm procrastinating." bb/lm: "you're definitely procrastinating." me: "the fuck? why didn't you tell me, if you knew?" bb/lm: "you never get to procrastinate."

it is only half-true that i am "procrastinating." one half is that i am procrastinating, because he's right, i never get to procrastinate, these days, with ... everything, etc. the other half is that i have two different types of writings vying for my attention: some nonfiction regarding NOODIVERSITY &FREEDOM and a sailor's log, and for some reason i've been thinking in my mind that these two things cannot be in the same writing/post, etc., but now i've realized, like, whatever; i can do whatever the fuck i want (in this regard), and if you don't like it, fuck off, which brings me to the first sorta thing i wanna tackle with my mind and my words:

Have to 

and Supposed to

i'm approaching (porn has sorta ruined this word for me, lol) an age that is bringing me a lot of new freedoms, and with "&FREEDOM" in mind, i am finding this new-reality of aging brings along with it a whole lotta new-found freedoms. 

the ideas of "have to" and "supposed to" are becoming more clearly defined. i can more-clearly sort through what sorts of things "must be done" and thusly, need to be done and what sorts of things are "supposed to be done" but that don't necessarily need to be done. in other words, i am both more able and more confident in my ability to determine that which is "important," from my point of view, obviously, this is all about me, after all (and if you don't like it, yes, that's right, fuck off). if you want it to be about you start writing and point me in your direction; it's easy. 

what was i saying? fuck. 

yes, yes, that which you "have to" versus are "supposed to." it's a tricky thing, parsing the two, when you're "young and dumb and full of cum" (as bill maher [we'll talk about him later] likes to say), because you're both discovering the world, at large, and yourself, specifically, and since very few people actually develop quickly, it takes a beat to figure all of this "life" stuff out, and as we sail on toward the middle of this first century of this "new" millennium, life is only becoming more and more complicated, which means that the maturation time for We, Humans, is going to become longer and longer, because there's simply so much that one must "know" in order to live "successfully" on this precipice of The Future, which i like to so originally call "The Now."

as i have aged, the list of things that people say "have to" be done has shrunk and the list of things that people say are "supposed to" be done doesn't really even exist anymore. living a life of "supposed to" is to live by some script, and i've been living off-script for as long as i can physically remember, and technically, i could argue that i've been living off-script since the day i was dropped off at an orphanage in seoul, south korea, in may of 1989, but this is not about that *ugh* *sigh* *boo* *ugh*    

Aging out of Sexy

and Rage

every time i read a new headline about how "millennials [defined by me as those who were IN high school during the year 2000, which means you were either a senior graduating in the spring of 2000 or a freshmen starting in the fall of 2000 and everyone in between. that's it. period. no one else. this is the one area i allow myself to be elitist, cause it matters, and totally doesn't matter, but i will discriminate in preference for true millennials, by my definition. there, i said it.] are old," because of this that or the other, i feel an overwhelming feeling of relief, a freedom of sorts that i am no longer "young" nor thereby "hot," and i couldn't be happier. all i've ever wanted was to not-be seen. i felt very seen my entire childhood, and then i was sorta able to hide away for a few years during college, and then i fell off the map completely through my mid-twenties and most of my thirties, but now, and for the past few years, i've had a very public-facing job, and i hate it (the public-facing part). i get hit on all the time, cause i don't wear a wedding ring, cause i'm not going to lose another ring in the trash, etc., etc., etc.!, and also, it's 2025, guys, like seriously, the sexism around here blows my mind every single fucking day. just ask. i'll be honest, and then we can just be normal.

so i wear my side-part and ankle socks loudly and proudly. 

the other thing is that i'm, like, if i'm lucky, and Ladybug willing, i'll be turning forty, and nobody believes me, and it's awesome, so, i'm finding a new-found freedom in embracing my vanity. i've never taken so many selfies in my life, and i love it. i'm going full me all over my utoob channel (utoob is called youToob, after all), and it feels good, and it feels right, cause it's one thing to be beautiful when twenty and vain and hot all over the internet, but it's a whole other thing to not-look forty, and honestly, i love it even more than being hot when i was twenty, cause i've been making all of my life's decisions, and i'm doing alright.  

and i'm aging out of rage. i just don't really care. you're not really gonna get me worked up about much anymore. it's all distilled into a few things that i'm obviously not going to share publicly, cause like, why would i spill all of the ways in which to "get me," psychologically? i wouldn't, but if anyone were to read the entirety of my writing, across all of my platforms, i'm fucked. 

Marjorie Taylor Greene 

and Bill Maher

yea, she not crazy, and it's all thanks to the one surviving "straight-white-guy" whose opinion i will still consider, bill maher. i used to watch him more, and then i stopped watching cause he really was getting out of touch, but then someone must've told him, and he considered this, and he's since returned to a level of reality that i can accept. in short, he was really starting to sound like an old white man all stuck in his ways with an axe to grind about his privilege. 

also, i learned, from him, that he invites democrats onto his show all the time, and they are the ones who reject his offer, and i was like, "what the fuck?" i assumed, like he explained everyone else did, too, that he simply didn't invite democrats or whatnot. who knew that The Party, it seems, as a whole, doesn't like maher. he's a strange enemy, in my opinion, cause he's very middling, very reasonable, literally, not-exciting at all. i've basically known of him for as long as i can remember, cause he's "That Atheist," and this particular branding of his is why we (the bodybuddy/lifemate&i) even started listening to him as we were navigating our exit from the "church" and into the wilderness of "godlessness," which isn't exactly who we are, but we are not christians or worshipers/subscribers to any organized religions or unorganized religions, really; i consider us to be something more like "unaffiliated with an institution," i.e. free agents. 

don't worry, i'm not on some MTG bandwagon; i don't ride like that [literally, read the preceding sentence!], but that doesn't mean that she's crazy. it's possible to work the system, and she has, successfully, and now, she's working it again, so she's, obviously, not-stupid. she's smart, which makes her particularly dangerous, as we know intelligent women to be, so ya, she's hit my radar, and she's going to remain on my radar, cause she said a lot of not-crazy things during her time on Real Time, and one of the last things she said was something to the effect of, "Yes, this is how I see it, from my world view." 

she's woke.

guys, she's woke, and that's so much great irony that like, i like, fucking, i don't even know what to think anymore. 

yea, according to my worldview, her worldview is antiquated, old, obsolete, thereby harmful if we keep making decisions based on thinking that's literally thousands of years old. my worldview, one imagines, according to her worldview is the death of her worldview, which it is, cause that's what becoming smarter and then applying that knowledge does: it puts to death the fucked up views that are no longer helpful to our existence, as a whole, as a people on this planet, Earth, our one and only home world.

the freedom comes with the idea that here, on Empire, we are free to change our minds about our leaders, and our leaders, themselves, can change. we can like them, love them, and hate them, and when the system works, we keep them or boot them. it's easy. it's freedom. you're free, here, on Empire, for now.

Have to

and Supposed to 

how did this end up on here again? fuck. i must've put it on the list, but then didn't realize that it was already on the list, and then i opened with this one. *gah*

Role Models

and Social Media 

for as long as i can remember i've always volunteered my time. my mother made sure of it when i was young, and i'm glad she was like that. and so, when i was finishing up school in boulder, i volunteered some of my time to a group of high schoolers from their spring semester as sophomores until they graduated, and i was warned, on my first night, that i was being assigned to a group that has torn through every leader they've tried, forever, and i was like, that seems like a mean thing to say about a group of high school girls, and it's a weird thing to say if you want me to stay and meet them, but obviously, i'm a curious person so it was exactly the right thing to say to me, lol.

i met them, and we all met each other, and we were all together for the evening events, etc. it all seemed really normal to me, and i shrugged and went home. for the first few months everything was fine and seemed perfectly normal to me, and then the whole group was going on a weekend trip into the mountains during a three-day weekend. the week before the trip, we were all where we were where we have these leadership things, eating dinner before the kiddos arrived, and our leader, the leader of the leaders, did his thing and talked to us, like he does, and then he specifically shouted me out, and his shout out was about how amazing i was doing with my group, and i looked around and was like, "What?" and then he explained to the whole group about my group, and i was horrified, cause the next thing he did was that he asked me to say a few things to the group about what i'm doing, exactly, to find so much success with my group, and i was like, "What?" he repeated himself so that i could have a second to think, and what i thought was, Nothing, I don't do anything, specifically, and so, when i finally opened my mouth, i said, "I don't do anything. I'm just a facilitator," and the room went silent. and that was the truth. i didn't do anything in particular. i simply made myself available to them and their ideas. if they had an idea, i'd make it happen. if they wanted to do something, we'd do it. if they wanted to go somewhere, we'd go. this is what i told them, and i shrugged, and everyone was looking at me like i was crazy. 

as i turn forty, i understand now why those girls liked me: i was The Future; their future in particular, as a woman. if you think i am smart now, imagine what i was like at twenty. if you think i'm hot now, imagine what i was like when i was twenty. if you think i am so capable now, imagine what i was like when i was twenty. i've always been ahead of the curve, and in a world where it seems like everyone is so far ahead of you, i was only a few years older than them, and like them, i was ahead of my curve, which means that they were approximately at the intellectual level of my peers (other fellow-leaders), but i was ahead of the curve, so i was someone to watch and see, to look at in order to get a glimpse of The Future, and as a young woman, they could watch and see how i navigated the world, and so it wasn't that i was doing nothing so much as i was making myself available for them to see, to watch, to learn how to be, someone from whom you can glean some ideas about what this "life" is all about, and this is why role models are so important, because when you're a certain age, that's all you're looking for; you're spending all of your attention on "how to be!" and it totally sucks, and it's totally stressful, and it's a social prison. 

so i volunteered my time by making myself available to a few girls who were only a few years younger than me, but those years were the difference maker between girl and woman, and luckily for them, finally, a woman smarter than them (a group of smarty-pants within the larger group) showed up. 

the problem with social media is that people who are most-likely "below you" intellectually are being held "above you" as someone to aspire toward, and that's fucked up. 

Freedom to

and Freedom from 

the difference in focus will blow your mind, and it is the sort of thing that will teach you something very personal, and so, there's no point in me spelling it out for you, because you will find something completely different, because you are you.

for me, the difference is the importance: freedom to ... looks forward, while freedom from ... looks back

i dunno about you, but all i want is to look forward, cause ya, okay, some shit went down, a lot of it and waaay way back, i get it, but can we just somehow, from here now, look forward, cause whether we like it or not, The Future is here.